yeah st. louis has some weird eating habits but did you know that when you ask for pizza in chicago they give you lasagna
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My iPhone does NOT rule my life.
Battery – Don’t worry, Siri. I got this.
Just saw a woman, covered in red paint, running and screaming from an abandoned country house, LOL good prank.
it’s cool when a dessert has a hint of something, like i’m biting into a tart and suddenly it goes “your wife’s death was not an accident”
Why hasn’t anyone marketed bottled water as nonalcoholic vodka?
Finally cleaned out the fridge to make meal planning easier. Tonight, we’re having buttered olives with mustard and baking soda.
Dearest wife,
The war on Christmas goes well. We found an elf stronghold & cut off its candy cane supply lines. Last night, they ate Donner.
Sometimes I make myself feel important by thinking in a British accent.
Apparently “if you must draw your eyebrows on, please draw them evenly” was not the tip this waitress was expecting.
I’ve got a neighbor who’s really into morons. I should introduce her to you guys.
The Three Little Pigs use the money from their life story to build the ultimate house.
I hope the bomber suspect is made of green screen so we can all project our most feared skin color onto him.
How many calories does an ice cream headache burn?
Spent two weeks with my grandmother and now I know why grandpa was a drunk
Infomercial Host: Who wants to fix their chronic acne problem?
Audience: *clapping*
Host: Sir, are you leaving?
Wile E. Coyote: *shuffling out on broken rocket skates* I misread the flyer
[palm reader touches my hand and immediately gets a nose bleed and passes out]
me: what’s that mean
I’ve got to go guys. Yesterday I bought a new shampoo that’s supposed to change my life.
Legos cost way too much for smthg I still have to put together myself
[space launch]
ASTRONAUT: houston we have a problem
ME: *elbows him* lol we’re gonna get mooned
ASTRONAUT: *sighs* houston we have two problems
*gets filled with hope*
Hope: *has a leak*
gooooob morning. i’m being told. someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would’ve lost my mind
Dasani water taste like it’s been sitting in a water gun
[Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle: _’_ L_ _E T_ S_ L_E T_E _ _ _ _LE
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
Me: *snuggles under electric blanket*
Husband, from the other room: Are you cooking? I smell butter or grease or something
And that’s how I know I’ve eaten too much
My son needed a last-minute Halloween costume so I wrapped him like a mummy with my CVS receipt.
You can also scan him for $2 off Advil.
[emergency room]
DOCTOR: Point to what’s causing you the most pain
ME: I can’t, they’re at home playing xbox
Sadly, the days of people using proper English are went.
EARTH: hey there buddy why so sad?
ME: climate change is ravaging human existence with endless waves of disaster
EARTH: great just checking
my computer is organized exactly like my brain, which is to say that I just found a photo of a baby weasel alone in a folder called “good”
I don’t judge you when you make a typo.
I first look at the keypad and how far the letters are apart.
Then I judge you.
First of all DO NOT address me as “Honey” if you’re coming to tell me you just SHRUNK the damn KIDS.