Mall security asked me to empty my pockets.
My response was “you won’t find a better job or respect in my pockets”
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A girl with kaleidoscope eyes sounds horrifying.
Today I learned that when getting a pedicure with your wife, don’t tell the salon girl “thanks for the amazing toe job”.
If I were a cop, I’d focus on the people going the speed limit. They’re the ones with something to hide.
Recipes that call for cheese are always 2 cups short.
“We’re gonna need more chalk.”
– detective who discovers my body
Ticketmaster: $55 per ticket
Me: ok I’ll take 2
Ticketmaster: ok that will be $400
Pretending that you’re feeding the garbage disposal like a hungry baby bird does not hurt anyone.
*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
Well, at least tomorrow is Friday.
-Me having a bad Wednesday that’s about to get even worse.
Damn right I’m cultured. I learned all about classical music from Bugs Bunny.
Planning to edit the three Hobbit movies into one watchable movie. Should I use Instagram or Vine?
If you watch the movie Twister backwards it’s the story of friendly tornados saving lives, rebuilding destroyed towns and playing with cows.
Just got glasses for the first time in 20 years and holy shit everyone looks terrible
Doctor: i’d like you to step on the scale.
Me: You first, pal.
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
My sense of smell has been gone ever since the, “smell this leftover ham” incident back in 2004.
“we’re out of bread”
“ciabatta be kidding!”
[waiter takes out gun]
“make another bread pun and ur toast, pal… shit”
[i take out my gun]
I bought all this healthy food at the grocery store today and now I’m trying to decide if I want Chinese food or pizza delivered for dinner tonight.
Girlfriend: I read an article that it’s possible for a woman to carry a goat embryo to full-term
Me: Don’t kid yourself
Walmart stopped selling hoverboards due to safety concerns. In case you were curious about those empty shelves between the guns and the ammo
Please don’t call it man flu. Its correct name is manchester flunited.
HER: Are you a dog or cat person?
BRAIN:*be cool, she seems pretty great*
ME: Whatever you want to eat is fine.
BRAIN: *nailed it*
You say “Are you ok?” but I know you really mean “Stop coughing.”
There is nothing sexier than when she locks eyes with me as she finishes…
..Frying the bacon
Stranger: You look just like a friend of mine
Me: She sounds really pretty
What idiot called it a cow video instead of a bovine?
Brain: stop eating!
Me: why
B: you’ll get fat
M: so?
B: there’s only enough vodka to catch a buzz on an empty stomach!
M: oh *stops eating*
My kids have eaten 47 lbs of candy. They aren’t sleeping until December 12th. Send help.
“Post Malone” is British for “mail my mortgage payment.”
Wow, the CIA making jokes on Twitter shows they’re just as human as any other bunch of guys who kidnap people and torture them in secret.