Her: Are you getting off early today?
Me: THAT HAPPENED ONE TIME!
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“Nothing from my side, thanks” – My wedding vows
I asked my doctor if this heavily advertised, extremely ineffective medicine with many frightening side effects might be right for me.
The ironic thing about the original Scooby Doo adventures was that the only real supernatural phenomena they encountered was a TALKING DOG.
Maybe Adele is singing about her cats. You don’t know.
FRIEND:
If you could be there for one moment in time that you’ve only read about in books, or seen in pictures, what would it be? I would have liked to be at the signing of the Declaration of Independence. How about you?ME:
Hold on, I’ll show you.
Most kids have a stuffed animal or blankie. My niece has one of those plastic owls u put outside to scare away birds
I was slicing leftover ham as my kids were watching Peppa Pig and I was momentarily very sorry
[bank heist get away]
Chad the Thief: I can’t believe…
Gary the driver: Look, it’s the only vehicle I could get.
Chad: But an ice cream van…
Gary:
Chad: Can you at least turn the music off?
Me: how long do you boil something to disinfect it
Her: idk google it
Me: can I use your phone, mine’s disinfecting
Her: *googling DIY annulment*
me:
professor x: yes, i can read minds
me:
professor x: yes, i suppose the name alvin and the chimpmunks alludes to he himself not being one
what the hell pray for carter everyone
Origami was invented by a young Japanese child trying to hide his report card.
“You know who needs more attention? Celebrities. Maybe we could give them trophies or something.” Good idea, Oscar. What’d you have in mind?
[Toothpaste Laboratory]
Dentist 1: Yes
Dentist 2: Yes
Dentist 3: Yes
Dentist 4: Yes
Dentist 5: Not so fast…
(during sex)
Technically, a comedy starring Mitt Romney could be a RomCom as well.
If my skinny friend keeps complaining that she’s fat, I may have to throw one of my breakfast donuts at her.
Pedestrians cross the street like it’s on their bucket list to get hit
Sure I wish I had focused more on my finances, but back then who knew money would catch on.
People don’t make your heart skip a beat. Medical conditions do. Idiots.
Just got ejected from my son’s little league game for arguing with the ump. I didn’t really care about the call, I just got bored and needed an excuse to leave.
January has been Januweary
Some of y’all need Jesus and I say this as an atheist
“My dog’s learning to speak a foreign language.”
“Español?”
“No, he’s a labrador.”
[weapons store]
ME: *holding up a spare pin* Has anybody seen my grenade?
If you have scissors for hands, you could probably just introduce yourself as Edward, and let people figure the rest out on their own
What if death gives you lemons?
What then??
as is their right
Recipe: simmer gently for 3-4 minutes
Me: boils violently for 16-98 minutes depending on when I remember I left something cooking in a pan
My cousin is pregnant. The baby will be my first cousin, once removed.
My french toast just surrendered to my german sausage.
Breakfast is weird at my house.