I wonder if that football guy will be at the Taylor Swift game again today.
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depression: you’re not good enough
anxiety: everything is falling apart
Quora: what if a grape hit u while traveling at the speed of sound
interviewer: what do you mean you don’t have any
me [excitedly]: ask about weaknesses
before you ask, yes, he can legally do this.
An HGTV show where they help new college graduates decorate their apartment with furniture found exclusively on the side of the road
absolutely convinced that at least half the time when the optometrist flips the lens and says which is better, one or two, there’s no difference and they’re either trying to trick me or see if i can be trusted
The hardest thing Vision has to do
coworker: what do u think happens after we die
me: when I die, nothing
coworker: what about when I die
me: I get arrested
we could create a chicken alfredo coffee flavor we have the technology
my niece: I love dogs! They’re so cute and smart and fun! I really really really want a dog!
me: I walked seven blocks with a stinky bag of steaming dog poop this morning
my niece: maybe a cat
SciFi Future:
Everything beeps and blinks.Actual Future:
How do I make everything stop beeping and blinking?
Teach your kids about gambling by letting them lick floors
I used 5 different things as a napkin today and one of them was my neighbour.
“Friends” ended 10 years ago today, but thanks to television, “me having friends” ended long before that.
[Date]
(don’t let her know you’re an alien larva)Her: I wonder where he is?
*I burst through her chest*
Me: Did you order yet? I’m starved
Interviewer: So, what makes you think you’re a good candidate for this Automotive Shop?
Me: I tire easily.
toddler: Lets go get a cake
wife: Why?
toddler: It’s somebody’s birthday somewhere
me *grabbing my keys* Can’t argue with that
Toddlers and Tiaras: Fat, sexually frustrated soccer moms invest their husband’s money in ruining their daughter’s lives.
They said the kids that bullied me in school would be pumping my gas one day but 1 just got a modeling contract who do I talk to about this
They’ll find Bigfoot before they find a Smoothie store that’s been open for more than 2 years.
when i was younger i was interested in rapping, but then one day a buddy of mine and i were rhyming in my living room and my mom walked by and said “i gotta run, have fun with your little poems!” and that was the end of it
My doctor told me I needed a brain MRI.
My wife assured me they wouldn’t find anything.
People think it’s funny when I tell them not to tickle me or I’ll pee. But they don’t laugh when the tickling has ended and the pee continues. “She’ll ruin all the furniture!” one cries. “Why is she still smiling?!” screams another.
My cats won’t talk to me because I came home late from work.
My kids told me to stop using teen lingo because I’m “SO old”, so I’m going to show them just how old I am and start talking Valley Girl.
You know you’re old when you start telling people how much cheaper things used to be.
Make someone’s day better by not showing up for work
Whoa 😂
How to clean a plastic shower curtain liner:
Step 1: Throw it away and buy a new one for $5 at Target.
Me: Let’s role play. You be a jogger out for a run, & I’ll be the body you stumble across.
Him: So you’re planning on just laying there, like always.
Noted.