[Valentine’s Day]
Me: I got you a bunch of flowers
GF: Thanks
Me: There were loads just by the roadside. Got you a teddy and a candle too
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Imagine a bunch of Italian mobsters tiptoeing and trying not to giggle as they gingerly place a horse head in bed with a sleeping guy.
My husband asked if I know the attractive, young woman who jogs down our street every day around lunch and this is one way to lose an office with a view.
A video clip of me, supposedly from 1941, wearing pigtails and standing on the moon has been misrepresented and proven to be a hoax, fact checkers say.
Husband: You’re not present or that interested in what I have to say.
Me: I know, right?
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
spot the difference
I thought I was a good person until my daughter asked me, “Would you step on a dog for 8 million dollars?”
Therapist: What brings you here today?
Me: I’m a middle child.
Therapist: I see, classi..
Me: In between two sets of twins.
Therapist: *on intercom* Sheila clear my week.
if you ever think that you’re having a bad day just remember, there once was a lady who lived in a shoe
Well, the mechanic called. Apparently, in addition to a muffler, my car also needs a new car.
the worst thing ever is when you go to the dentist after ten years of not having insurance and the dentist is like why did you let this get this bad?? i don’t know bro why do you charge $20,000 for an x-ray
A small child could swim through the veins of a blue whale’s heart. Let’s make this happen.
No matter how much I shake my phone, you still won’t come out. Are you stuck? I think you’re stuck.
My wife handles our kids like a boss. The only problem is she make me do it too 😂
A book commits suicide every time you watch a reality show.
I’ve yet to find the village where people help you raise your kids
The real heroes are my neighbours in a 5km radius during my quarantine bagpipe practice
“Release the Kraken!”
…
“Well?”
“We released him. He just took off. It’s not like he was trained or anything.”
…
“Release the tuna!”
I had to make an important phone call and now I know my 9-year-old can yodel.
If you’re not singing “Hitler Baby one more time” to the tune of Britney Spears’ “Hit Me Baby One More Time” I’m sorry but you are now.
Always live on the bottom floor it’s further from heaven and harder for God to see you sinning
Wanted:
1 Psychic.You know who you are.
Wife: “I’d do anything for a cupcake.”
Me: “Anything?”
*drives to store*
*brings home cupcakes*
*discovers “anything” includes lying*
I promised my husband a real show in the bedroom tonight. I hope he loves sock puppets.
We’re having company over today, so naturally my husband is helping me prepare by looking for the soil testing kit that he bought over a year ago.
“What’s your name?”
“Sharky.”
“Is that your real name?”
“Does it matter?”
“I guess not.”
*hands me my order*
I bet the women who only tweet about sex are probably some of the nicest men you’ll ever meet in person.
I went to the feed store for dog food and came back with 5 baby chickens.
I shouldn’t be allowed to have grownup money
Life advice: Your bark may be worse than your bite but you really shouldn’t bark at people either.
You know you’re the father of teen boys when a shoe print on the ceiling no longer fazes you.