Taliband
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[job interview]
“Do you have any addictions or habits that we should know about?”
*takes long drag from cigarette*
Not that I’m aware of.
Saw a friend really drunk last night so I took his car keys from him. Felt good, he was so drunk I doubt he remembers who stole his car
If I like my job am I a “gruntled” employee??
If a server comes to my table and asks ‘hows everythin tasting?’ mid chew I like to grab their wrist and keep them there until I can answer
[concert venue]
Manager: Start the fog machine!
Me: *gulps* Fog?
*hundreds of frogs start falling on crowd
amazon: our prime deliveries may be delayed due to covid-19
me: thats okay *hits accept*
amazon [seconds later]: *package smashes through living room window*
couple beside me in restaurant are on a blind date; they both love dogs, sushi, and looking at Tinder while the other one is in the restroom
website: select a security question
me: ok
website: make of first car
me: nah
website: mother’s maiden name
me: nope
website: the number of ducks you saw that one time in camp
me: bingo
Me: I’ve always been good at cosmetology. I have a nose for it.
Mortician: Please put that back.
Woke up this morning and the alarm clock was laughing at me….then I realized it was upside down and the time was 7:07
If you watch home alone backwards it’s about kid who tortures two strangers then his family comes home and yells at him
According to Facebook, 78% of girls I went to high school with now own their own photography business.
I wear a cape when I’m driving so if I get pulled over the cop will think I’m going somewhere to fight crime.
Is the expression “One man’s trash is another man’s treasure?” I want this best man’s speech to be perfect.
Me, looking at Met Gala outfits: But how do they go to the bathroom in that?
I always assume people with red cars were drunk when they went to the dealership.
My main goal in life is to become a cooking show judge
Mostly because I like to criticize people while I eat
If they ever reboot Grease, it must be directed by M. Night Shama-lamma-ding-dong.
Whoever coined the term “gross profit” wasn’t getting paid for their job.
I love being a mom. I just left the vacuum running in front of my teenagers door until he woke up. Should have done what I asked, lil shit!
Iron Man: I’ll hack into their security.
Hulk: HULK SMASH DOOR!
Thor: I’ll silence their guards.
Captain America: What’s a microwave?
I can’t believe the tasteless and offensive things some people tweet.
Seriously, I just saw a recipe for homemade mac n cheese.. they only used one kind of cheese😳 and they didn’t put the bread crumble on top!!
[first day as a doctor]
Me: We’re going to need to amputate your legPatient: It’s only a sore throat!
Me: I just really want to try out my new saw
*Jesus, bursting out of a chest cavity, spraying the room with blood and viscera*
“My God, Johnny? DID YOU LET CHRIST INTO YOUR HEART?!?”
welcome to janurary 32nd everyone
Reasons I’m not married:
– Am focusing on my karate career
– Wedding could clash with karate class
– Honeymoon might make me miss karate training
– All the lovemaking could sap my energy ahead of karate class
– Wife may be in cahoots with my rivals to distract me from karate
*vows*
Groom: I love you so much, & publicly, in front of all our friends, I want everyone to know, Die Hard is in fact, a Christmas Movie!
Calm down, I’m only asking for your last name because I want to check how well it pairs with the baby names I have picked out for our kids.
Lately I have the attention span of wait what