[Rose from Titanic teaching her kid to ride a bike]
*holding back of seat* I’ll never let go
[2 seconds later]
*lets go*
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and this one
when someone corrects my pronunciation of a word, my brain immediately snaps to how many polite people just nodded and let me sound dumb before
If taking off your pants doesn’t solve your problems, get different problems.
Cop: your under arrest
Me: you’re* under arrest
2nd Cop: [handcuffing 1st cop] sorry Ed, but he’s right
Another previously unknown dinosaur was the Thesaurus who used flowery language to confuse and disorient predators while he made his escape
The car’s navigation system warned me of a pothole and then asked if it was still there. Not only is it still there, it has friends.
*Seductively stripping out of clothes.
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
You wanna do stuff with toys in bed? Let’s do it; I’ve already got like 3 hot wheels cars and a Barbie in there right now, so….
Things that are dangerous-
-riding a motorcycle
-sharks
-riding sharks
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
Coworker: Good morning
Me (suddenly realizing this is my first interaction of the day): How are go?
Still trying to convince my boss that I’m just using beer-flavoured toothpaste.
Muchacha is my favorite Spanish word that sounds like cows dancing.
How does one answer this?
I have standards. They might be low, but still…..
I couldn’t find a bowl so Flora is drinking from a margarita glass
Sorry I haven’t tweeted in a couple of days. My kid followed me from room to room making really obnoxious whale noises and I feel like I’ve gotten a taste of my own medicine
This hot girl asked me to recommend some music so i said Pink Floyd, she said “I didn’t know Pink used her last name as well” Now she’s dead
“Drop it like it’s hot,” is my favorite song about dropping stuff that’s hot.
I was hoping to lose weight when I quit drinking, but it turns out that’s not how pregnancy works.
Haters will see you walk on water and say it’s because you can’t swim
Anyone: You go girl!
Me: Omg, ok. Yes. Finally. *walks away*
She uses her boyfriends toothbrush without his knowledge and wears his underwear every day….I eat a dog biscuit ONCE and I’M the weirdo???
Damn Girl, did you just get in a water balloon fight or are you happy to see me?
Whenever I put on makeup, I do a sign of the cross on my forehead with my foundation and I’ll tell myself “Bless this mess.”
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Do you have any questions for me?”
Me: “How strong is the wifi signal in the restroom?”
Interviewer:
My dad just tried to lecture me about mountain weather conditions and what I should be packing for our five day hike. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CLIMBED A MOUNTAIN DAD? I’M 40 YEARS OLD AND I’LL PACK WHAT I WANT. YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME. GAWD.
*falls off log and dies
[parking garage]
FBI: got the file?
Me: [attempts to whistle but spits on Agent]
FBI: for the last time that’s not Whistleblowing
*first day using my sith power*
“Hey stormtrooper, stop hitting yourself!”
A pleasant day enough to misarrange slightly some words.