Lonely nights, we’ve all been here. Pretending to choke so someone hugs you. Pretending a jellyfish stung you so someone pees on you. Usual.
You Might Also Like
Just saw that french fries, sugar, and coffee speed up the aging process, so my age right now is 172.
Argentina is surprisingly cold. In fact it’s bordering on Chile.
I have this fantasy that all lights go out in the world when I’m at the grocery store. While everyone panics, I grab a head of broccoli, stab the base with a carrot, and light it like a torch.
Look, I never said I was any good at fantasy, you guys.
me: babe get your finger measured
her: [hopeful] is it for what i think it is?
me: [ordering custom puppets] you’ll see
Bought a standing desk yesterday. Today I bought a bar stool.
[my deathbed]
Kid: Mom where are my shoes?
Inventor of the Ouija Board: I have created the most evil family game ever
Inventor of Monopoly: oh, child
INTERVIEWER: What is your greatest strength?
ME: I can anagram anything
WIENER RIVET: And your greatest weakness?
*plays imperial death march on the kazoo*
First rule of flight club…no penguins.
I think it’s sad that getting married is one of the only ways to guarantee somebody will be forced to make a speech about how great you are
Movie Executive: We love the script but what are we gonna call it?
Writer: *monkey in disguise* Monkey
Exec: I dont think that works
Writer: Se-seven Monkeys
Exec: The number of monkeys isn’t really the prob-
Writer: TWELVE monkeys
Exec: Now.. hold on a second.
Getting noise cancelling headphones for when the kids are home is sound advice
BANK ROBBER: ok hands in the air. nobody move. slide to the left. slide to the right. take it back now y’all. one hop this time
If you’re thinking of getting a hairless cat, go the extra mile and get a catless cat.
Are you even a parent if you’ve never carried your child out of a store sideways like a surfboard?
My friend uses ‘supossebly’ and I never correct her. I like her irregardless.
To the person who stole my place in the queue.
I’m after you now.
The pizza delivery guys say “see you tomorrow” to everyone, right?
*Invents silent snack packages. *Becomes president of the United States.
I met a girl at a club the other night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
*Giving TED talk*
Me: *points at guy* sir, reach under your chair!
*he does and a mousetrap snaps*
Me: trust no one
*audience claps*
“Behold, a 3 headed cat” “um, its just 3 cats taped together” “Behold, a 12 legg…*tape rips, one cat runs away*..errr 8 legged cat.”
I wear my fitness tracker to bed. If I’m making 2 trips a night to the bathroom, I’m damn well getting credit for them.
How many light bulbs does it take to fix a person?
Eventually, everyone in Russia will fall out a window…
Apple Computer is taking steps to
protect user privacy.Their new policy is iWon’t tell…iPromise
During the course of some 36 films, did it ever occur to anyone that maybe Godzilla deserves a “good boy” once in a while?
Wanna delight in the fact that you’ve been tricking the kids by using white instead of black pepper so they won’t complain that dinner is “too spicy”?
THEN DON’T TELL YOUR HUSBAND WHAT YOU DID!
One normal thing I like to do on my my lunch breaks is go on Zillow with my 20 million dollar budget and my f***ing delusions