My wife said that I set up the baby monitor wrong. Apparently it’s not supposed to be duct-taped to the baby’s ankle.
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Christmas is a very special time when I give my brother a $100 gift card and he gives me a $100 gift card.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot kill, the courage to blow up the things I can, and the wisdom to not get caught.
No one has ever called me “daddy” in bed unless they had to throw up, pee, or wrecked a car.
I feel a bit deprived…….
Me: Want to see me do The Robot?
Friend: Sure.
Me:
Friend: Why aren’t you moving?
Me: Updating software.
him: I wish you’d talk more during sex.
me: Okay.[during sex]
me: cats have 32 muscles in each ear
him: please don’t speak
Money can’t buy me Love, but it buys having someone else wash my hair…
Some people need a sympathetic pat on the head… with a hammer.
Someone asked where I’m from and I said Wisconsin. She got excited, “Like That ’70s Show!” and I clarified, “More like Making a Murderer.”
I reward people who go looking for dust in my house with the satisfaction of finding some.
I miss the days when you could talk about a brand and they didn’t talk back.
There’s no “u” in narcissist
why is it that if you say your favorite food is “spaghetti” you sound like a three year old, but if you say some shit like “vermicelli” i’m like “woah this guy probably goes to the opera”
to remove a tick first light a candle then slowly and carefully invite it to join you for a nice rare steak
ME: I wasn’t invited to the party
FRIEND: Yeah, people think you’re melodramatic
ME: [slaps friend with silk glove] Then I shall die alone
Protip: If your coworker has a picture of herself and her dog labeled “Beauty and the Beast” you shouldn’t ask her which one is which.
plug your corndog into the cigarette lighter to reheat it a little bit while driving
I prefer to watch like nobody is dancing
Me: If I ever decide to commit a murder I am going to make a doll out of my hair to put in the victim’s house.
Friend: why?
Me: That way they look crazy and there is a reason my hair is at the crime scene.
Friend: (backing away slowly) sounds well thought out.
Me: they didn’t have cell phones when I was a kid
5: they also didn’t have cars
John Lennon: Lucy in the sky with diamonds!
Friend: *sighing* that- that’s not how Clue works
huge valentines day plans this year!!
Doctor: I have good news and bad news
Me: What’s the good news?
Doctor: The good news is you’re alive. The bad news is you’re going to have to diet and exercise to stay that way
“How much is that doggy in the window” is a dumb thing to write a song about. Just go ask one of the workers
Always
I refuse to use the self-checkout isle at a store. What I will do is occasionally post up at the exit and ask to check shoppers receipts. If I’m gonna work at your store for free, I’m picking my own position.
“ooOOOooo”
“oooOOoo”
“oooOOoh”
“OoOOooh”–spirited debate
my dad didn’t let me date untill i was pregnant…
stanley hudson: [on deathbed] I’m amazed I lasted as long as I did
michael scott: that’s what she said
[creating humans]
GOD: Make them imperfect…
ANGEL: Okay…done…
GOD: Now make them apologize to Me all the time for being imperfect.
If commercials want people to look at them they should all start with the sound of a phone vibrating