I jack off in the shower using only L’Oréal conditioner. Why? Because I’m worth it.
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Son: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: how long has he been there? he better cough up some rent money
Me: Do you want McD or KFC for dinner?
Hubs: Can’t you make something? Any ideas?
Me: Divorce
“My first wife didn’t have a gag reflex”
Wow that’s amazing
“Yeah she never laughed at any of my jokes”
My 3 year old just had a meltdown because I told her she had to be 4 before she could be 6. I haven’t broken the news about 5 to her yet.
My son said if a baby comes out feet first technically it wears its mom as a hat and I can’t unsee this.
We had 3 kids, but once TVs came w/ remotes we put them up for adoption
[lightbulb store]
owner: “what watt can i get you?”
me:
owner:
me:
owner: “did i stutter?”
me: “i dont know”
i like calling a man my “former lover” because then it sounds like it happened in france and not in the bonefish grill parking lot
{First Day at FedEx}
me: tosses crystal vase onto wrong porch from 30 ft away
manager: wow you’re a natural
When your daughter asks “are your snacks more important than me??” you should NOT pause to think.
I know this now.
Relationships are minefields. Learn from me. Study. Engage. Other words that sound knowledgeable.
Me: it’s hot enough to fry an egg on the concrete
Public Health Inspector: temperature is not really the issue here
Secret to peaceful parenting is to never tell your child the plans for the day
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Alexa: I’ve found one zoo near you with monkeys.
I bet
Normalize asking the spelling bee moderator to use it as a safe word. Wait huh
Good one computer geniuses, you made everything “user friendly” and “intuitive” and now idiots are on the internet commenting on everything.
Someone send Kendall Jenner onto a United flight with a Pepsi, stat.
ICEBERG: heard about ernie?
ICEBERG 2: yep…clobbered by a cruise ship
ICEBERG: gotta be careful—damn things are 86% hidden above the surface
[filling out the date on important documents]
Brain: when I say June you write June!
Me: yeah!
Brain: JUNE!
Me: J̶A̶N̶ JUNE!
after u do your laundry u should be allowed to get in the dryer and tumble for a little. no charge.
[mouse wedding]
PHOTOGRAPHER: Oh my God [closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose] Stop. Turning. Round. THERE ISN’T ANY ACTUAL CHEESE
Lil Wayne once said “got ten bathrooms, I could shit all day” which I’ve proven can be done with just one bathroom.
I have milk and eggs for breakfast, I just have them in the form of a cookie
Your chances of being hunted by a turkey are low, but never zero.
Gramps’ head was chopped off by a helicopter blade and same with his dad and his dad before him. So no Rod, you can’t go to helicopter camp.
me: awhinersayswhat?
daughter: what?
*my wife and I high five*
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
Husband: where you off to?
Me: bathroom
Husband: you have to pee again?
Me: no, I gotta cough
Me, 7yrs ago: NO EATING in my new car. I mean spotless
Me, Now: u hungry car? *mashes donut into CD player*