so who’s the alpha in your relationship ?
me:
taco:
me:
taco:
me: he’s shy.
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My friend got stung by a jellyfish so I took a massive shit on his leg & he forgot all about the jellyfish.
Huge nerds we are. Get laid we must.
4 years single just means I have a bachelor’s degree in being alone
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing.
lapland disappeared when finland got up from a chair
itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself….
-history
If whisky can damage your short term memory, just think what whisky can do.
*Aquarium
GUIDE: Octopuses are sensitive to camera flash so please turn off…ma’am don’t flash the octopus
ME: [pulls shirt back down] ok
customer: i would like to buy a hotdog with sauerkraut
me: sorry, we only accept cash
manager: can i talk to you
You should never bribe someone to get what you want. You should blackmail them, it’s cheaper and much more effective.
Me: You said pick the kids up
Wife: OUR KIDS
Me: *Watching a pack of feral children destroy everything we own* Yeah, that makes more sense
This holiday season, do NOT buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
I was in a district team building meeting today and everyone had to say something they loved. They chose me first and I said vintage Pyrex and the leader said “not your husband or kids?” and this is a level of awkward I’d not experienced yet in life
Christmas Eve is good because you can shout “DON’T COME IN HERE!!!” and people assume you’re wrapping their presents, rather than just wanting to be left alone.
Anyone under the age of 21 should be legally required to end every sentence with the phrase “but there’s a good chance I’m wrong about that”
Bursting from my chair, I pound a fist on the boardroom table. Everyone’s gasps turn to cheers as I lift my hand to reveal the dead mosquito
caller: listen carefully–we have a hidden camera in your hotel room. you need to…
me: pay you money? smuggle drugs???
caller: cover it up. and would a little cardio kill you?
Boss: Don’t sit in that cubicle, it’s haunted by the ghost of Steve
New Hire: Prove it
Boss: DONUTS IN THE BREAKROOM
* the office chair spins around immediately *
The Ten Commandments of Ayn Rand #XmasAMovie
[from the sperm donation room]
Me: *screaming with the door cracked open* I NEED MORE CUPS
Fun bible fact: No records exist of Jesus’ life from age 12 to 30 because he was backpacking across Europe with his pet Pterodactyl
“someone broke into your room… and peed on you while you were asleep”
me: that’s right, officer
I honestly thought driving this DeLorean would get me lots of hot women but it’s completely backfired *slaps my mother’s hand away*
Let’s just call a cruise ship that’s sailing exclusively for married couples what it really is…….a battleship
Colleague: want some popcorn? Keeps you young and beautiful like me
Me: Really? Looks to me you should’ve been eating a hell of a lot more
No, I didn’t get the flu shot. I just make sure to avoid people from October into April.
A large group of Karens is called a Homeowner’s Association…
FRIEND: do you drive stick?
ME: no I drive car.
Guy down the street wanted to borrow a wrench so I asked him adjustable, box or open ended, he said the adjustable one you borrowed six months ago.
therapist: would you say youre an optimist or pessimist?
me: im not sure
therapist: well when you look at your drink you brought in do you think it’s half full or empty?
me: did…did you drink half of my milkshake?
therapist: *wiping away milk moustache* i’ll put pessimist