had a weird insomnia so i put on a movie (Interstellar). i loved it. it made me cry twice and gave me the chills once but it absolutely didn’t help me sleep
You Might Also Like
If two women are fighting, put them in the bathroom. Women get along very well in bathrooms
Me: this is bullshit. conditioner and shampoo in one? impossible
Walmart employee who I have in a headlock: sir I didn’t make the shampoo
[3 am]
toddler *steps on my face trying to sneak into the bed*
me: You are the worst ninja ever
If you cut your goat in half you’ll have two goats, that’s just simple math.
2 atoms of helium acting funny ~ HeHe
Girlfriend: *whispering* Have you ever thought of getting rid of that mole?
Me: He may be blind, but he’s not deaf
Drug dealer: if you’re a cop, you have to tell me
Me: [into shoulder radio] is that true
“We had unprotected sex. Give us a present.” — the subtext of every baby shower
if you take a selfie at a dad’s funeral, his hand will rise up out of the casket and give you bunny ears
Wife holding bank statement: What’s this payment?
Me: we’re sponsoring a panda!
W: so is this monthly?
M: No, it’s just for the one skydive
Using “Hello” as a greeting
– boring
– uninspired
– predictableUsing “Hiya” as a greeting
– casually playful
– conveys enthusiasm
– leaves door open for karate
If you ever go backpacking in the wilderness, be sure to wear corduroy pants, so you can start a fire if needed.
I pet my dog and she started to purr. Thought I should lay off the drugs until I realized the cat was sitting behind her.
That rare moment when you wake up actually feeling ok, then catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror looking like a kidnapped shed.
While it’s impossible to pick a favorite child, it’s easy to identify the one who isn’t your favorite at the moment.
HAPPY EARTH DAY!
Suck it, Neptune.
Wife: I don’t think those fireworks look safe to use-
Me: [lighting fireworks] who you think I’m gonna believe? You, or Six-Fingered Pete?
Guys waiting their turn for a haircut are a barbercue.
My wife says move they’re honking, well they’re just going to have to wait until I count all my McNuggets.
“Trust your gut”
the thing that can’t handle spicy foods? Okay, sure
*shortly after the sinking of the Titanic*
Sebastian: Ariel, what is dis!?! You cannot have a dead human in your secret grotto!
Ariel: But I like him.
Sebastian: What would your father say!?!
Me: [stuffs sock down trousers before date]
Date: Wow your knee is huge
Me: Just one more hit. I need it.
Him: *crying* Think about what you are doing to our family. Please.
Me: *hits snooze button*
Just used a stiletto heel to open an Amazon package.
Next up – that impossible to reach, itchy spot in the middle of my back.
NOAH: whoa hold up, we already have two slugs
SLUG (wearing shell): no no, not slug *taps shell with eyeball* call me snail
NOAH: *narrows eyes* you look like a slug
SLUG: does the big guy know you brought your wife and kids?
NOAH:
SLUG:
NOAH: karaoke’s at 7
Realized I never said “unquote” after reciting a famous poem in 10th grade. Sorry if you thought everything I’ve said since is Shakespeare
I only studied genetics so I would know who to blame.
I imagine the hardest part of becoming a supervillain is getting your doctorate.
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
Me: Let’s try it have a nice weekend without any fighting, ok?
Hub: Agreed
Me: Wait, where are you going?
Hub: Fishing. See you Monday