I traced the call. It was phone-shaped.
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Me: promise you won’t show anyone?
Him: promise
*sends pics
H: that’s pics of fruit snacks
M: you said you wanted pics of my goods
[watching Tangled with my Daughter]
Daughter: dada
Me: yes?
Daughter: do you think Rapunzel buys her shampoo at Costco?
Me: I mean-I do now.
*angrily detangles self from wind chime*
°a turd walks into a bar°
[BARTENDER] why the long face pal?
[TURD] °sighs° i just got dumped
stacking up 8 sneezes so I can blow them all at once
I had professional respect for you but then you said “recognizance” when you meant ‘reconnaissance.’
It truly bothers me how many people would marry someone just for their money. Because I’m trying to do that & you’re lowering my chances.
People say I have the legs of a dancer. But until they find the rest of the body, the cops have nothing on me, man!
A Doctor’s Guide on Pain Management: “What’s your pain level on a scale of 1-10?”
1 – “Why are you here?”
2
3
4 – “That’s not that bad, you can manage.”
5
6
7 – “You’re exaggerating.”
8
9
10 – “You’re lying.”
Friend: Okay dating is really easy. You just have to act super natural
*later on date*
Me: *napkin on head* ooOOOooOo
When I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume
“?leef uoy ekam taht did woh dnA”
– reverse psychology
[2 monkeys in a bath]
Monkey 1: OOOHH OOHH AHH AHHH AHAH!!
Monkey 2: If it’s too hot Colin, put some cold water in
I buy seedless grapes because let’s leave the grape growing to the vineyards.
flight attendant: sir, you can’t bring that cow manure on the plane
me: THIS IS BULLSHIT!
I have a pair of furry slippers. I call them shoebaccas. My wife says this is why I have no friends.
Iceland has a population smaller than Tampa yet we let them sit there at the UN all smug. Always bragging about how they have cured their society of like IBS and it turns out the one guy who had it just moved away.
do you feel like your mouse is heavier when you’ve copied something and lighter again once you’ve pasted it or are you normal?
Living check to check is fine til you go from “Think I’ll treat myself to a $7 latte” to “Which kid do I sell to pay for these car repairs.”
My kids prefer apples without peel, sandwiches without crust, cherries without pits, and fathers without spare time.
“Amen and dig in” is a perfectly acceptable way to end a prayer at the potluck because honestly nobody is even listening when there’s food involved.
Shania Twain marrying her best friend’s ex husband after her husband and best friend had an affair is some count of monte cristo level shit
Who needs a bull in a china shop when you have a 2-year-old contemplating Grandma’s figurine collection?
interviewer: we just have one concern
me: [unsheathing] is it about the sword I brought
interviewer: well it is now
interviewer 2: holy shit
interviewer 3: awesome
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage and understand how it works?
Me (imagining bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
[finishes a 15 minute drum solo] I think that answers your question, your honor.
If you are flying out of DC on virgin today, check under your seat for a very large mom bra. It’s like a talk show giveaway!
The pricier the food, the faster kids drop it on the floor
If your wife says “what would you do without me?”
“Live happily ever after” is NOT the correct answer.Brrrr it’s cold in this doghouse 🙁
Me: dance like no one’s watching!
Them: but not naked in the freezer aisle with a frozen turkey to ‘do they know it’s Christmas’!