My son is begging for a pet dog as if he doesn’t remember what happened with our chia pet. Or the second chia pet. Or the third…
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This day in history. 1887. A farmer in Montana claimed he found a 15 inch long snowflake and his wife said that means it was about 3 inches.
[In meeting, puts cap on pen]
Me: Thanks everyone.
Coworker: Oh, also I nee–
Me: No, did you not see me cap my pen? This meeting is over.
I’m half potato on my dad’s side
So many songs that tell you to throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care, so few about the hazards of ceiling fans.
Golf fans be like “what’s your favorite club?”. It’s chicken, my dude, followed by soda
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
My wife says move they’re honking, well they’re just going to have to wait until I count all my McNuggets.
Car trouble, miss? Allow me to squint, and posture heroically while staring at your labyrinthine engine as panic cascades through my spine.
Nothing good can come from a gay man greeting you with an up and down look followed by an “Oh, honey”
It doesn’t have to be a plane crash. If we’re stuck in traffic I’ll seriously consider eating the Uber driver.
*Prosecution points to badger*: Objection! This animal has no place in court!
Defense: Your honor, the badger is prosecuting the witness
I love sleeping, mainly because I get a break from sucking my gut in.
I have interests besides avoiding housework. In fact, I have a long list of things I’m interested in avoiding.
I almost wish the guy I’m stalking would find me and call the cops. These bushes are scratchy and my legs are cramping.
Introverted vegans go meetless
“How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?”🤔
told my therapist i was hesitant to start antidepressants bc of the sexual side effects and she said “do you even have enough sex for that to matter” and long story short im currently headed to walgreens to refill my prescription
We need a Disney princess who’s a greedy profiteer so we can cheer for the poison apple.
I got up early to start the Lentil soup in the crockpot, and I realized I don’t have tomato paste, and now my Italian ancestors are cursing me (in Italian) from their graves. I’m pretty sure I just felt a wooden spoon hit my bottom.
I’m so pro-life,
I believe life begins at erection.
Garbage disposals are great for redesigning silverware.
oh u like history? name everything that happened
Mystery bruises are god’s little way of saying, “Perhaps you should drink less, whore.”
i dont simply go through airport security. i have a goal. i want everyone in line to be blown away by my efficiency. i want to be celebrated as i push my belongings across the table. i want TSA to offer me a job (i’ll decline). i want people talking about me at their gate. glory.
COP: *looking at my license* new jersey?
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
Dating – Do you want to share my cheesecake?
Married- Touch my cheesecake and I’ll end you.
sitting is bad for u, but the standing desk is all wrong. i present to u… *unveils computer hanging from ceiling with a bed underneath it*
Once someone broke into my car and didn’t steal anything – not my leather jacket or any of my CDs, and I have never felt more judged.
8: I wish you could homeschool me
Me: Aww, how sweet, you’d really want me to be your teach-
8: That way like instead of doing work, I could just play baseball in the backyard and you could clean and stuff.
Me: Ah look, the bus.
#NeverForget