[dentist giving me a filling]
Me: guh uh hag a hogreg?
Dentist stops: what?
Me: do you have a boyfriend?
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(On a date)
Her: the last guy I dated was really immature, so I ended it.
Me: haha yeah that was a good call…
*deletes ‘funny goat sounds’ app from my phone under the table*
me: i hope i die suddenly and without warning
friend: agreed when i’m old i hope it’s abrupt and not drawn out
me: old?
I don’t go back to my hometown very often because I’ve burned too many bridges. And also because I am wanted for bridge arson.
Why’s everyone wearing green today. did the Hulk die or something
mcdonalds: may I take your order
cronus: I’ll have the kids meal
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
Today is the 30 yr anniversary when I was single and my hot boss called me into his office so I spritzed on some perfume then went and he looked deep into my eyes
and asked if I was available Valentine’s Day and I said YES and he said, “Cool I need you to work that day.”
Are you supposed to wear your Fitbit in the shower? I’m looking to break this thing as quickly as possible and need advice.
I’m white, but…
Nope. Can’t do one of those today.
Look, I’m at a B&B on Cape Cod right now.
I’m a fanny pack away from translucent.
Pro Tip: Always put your keys away in the last place you’d look, then look there first.
The best time of day for a prostate examination is 6:30 because both hands are at the bottom.
Detective: “The victim musta had company. There’s 2 dirty plates in the sink.”
If I ever get murdered they’ll think I had 16 people over.
I’m not saying over a year in quarantine has messed with me but a tiny lizard got into my apartment and I was like, “oh good, you made it.”
My brother said he’d have to call me back because he had to “take a shit.” That was six hours ago. At what point should I start to worry?
Wife: Why is there a charge for $3,000 to Men’s Warehouse?
Me: I have no idea. Don’t go outside tho
[tree falls in forest]
[doesnt make a sound]
GUY IN CAMOUFLAGE: What the—
TREE: oh shit uhh AAHHHH I have fallen and I can’t get up aaahhh
ME: Hold on, let’s stay in the car until the song ends.
UBER DRIVER: No.
[Christmas Party]
*opening my gifts*
Well well well, if it isn’t the festive scarf I gave you 3 Christmases ago
Most problems can be traced back to the day you were forced to watch your teacher put a condom on an unsuspecting banana
I always believed that we all have the habit of licking knifes clean after we are done with them..
My surgeon friends disagreed.
My 4yo just saw two people french kissing on TV and asked me why they were “eating each other,” so I’m open to suggestions here.
Axl Rose: You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby
Tarzan: yeah but why are you here.
“I liked small butts. I was lying.” – Sir Mix-A-Lot’s teary deathbed confession
Paid $75 to take the family to the zoo so my toddler could ooh and ahh over a caterpillar in the parking lot.
Realtor: This house will need a lot of work, but it has good bones
Dog: WE’LL TAKE IT
The best thing about lockdown is that we’ve been able to potty train our 3 year old.
No pressure to go anywhere
Can stroll around freely with no underwear
Lots of rewards and stickersAnd the best part is all this applies to our 3 year old too
me: do you still remember your wedding vows?
wife: I do
me: [shaking head] no it was more than that
boy: i hate being poor
grandpa: were going to fun factory
mr chocolate: hello naughty children its murder time
i don’t always carry my groceries on one arm but when i do my keys are in the wrong pocket
Birds & Planes.