Every time I see a person handing out flyers it blows my mind that some people actually get paid to distribute garbage to strangers.
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Who’s drunk
*raises leg
CUTE DUDE AT THE AUTO SHOP: & thats how u fix a flat tire
ME: tysm! My dad never showed me this stuff
DUDE: aw
M: *whispers* ur my dad now
I was not made for a 9 to 5, I was made to eat pasta and lay in the sun like a lizard
I think the worst part about the collapse of civilization will be all those people with no way to remove their braces.
Shout out to that lifeguard who recommended moving the potato to the front of my speedo
Son: *placing Dunkin Donuts order* So you want a latté?
Me: Nah I just want a little.
Son: …goddammit Mom…
My father one time told me to go apologize to the neighbor for being mouthy so I went and told her my father says he’s sorry.
I’ve been cutting the chocolate milk with regular milk so it will go further and my kids have never noticed. I would’ve been a really good drug dealer.
seminar…
Me: *raising hand*
Speaker: Surely one of you has an intelligent question.
Me: *lowers hand*
The tooth fairy audits you if you have a gap between your teeth.
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
My parents are replacing a toilet in the house I grew up in, so now it’s just some potty that I used to know.
Thanks for following.
Our family’s sole contribution to evolution is a diminished sense of smell.
I’ll never understand why people buy dogs from breeders when growing your own is free and far more rewarding.
them: With great power comes great responsibility
me: *shuts off electricity*
Lookit me! Getting out of bed! Paying bills! Avoiding eye contact with the laundry!
You overpack for vacation and most of the stuff you don’t even wear, but your clothes need a vacation too. They seem to enjoy it.
It’s okay bowel syndrome, I am irritable too.
You can lead a horse to water, but you probably can’t do it as well as Sneaky Gary, the serial horse drowner.
Stop giving me life advice, people who don’t know how crocodiles have sex.
John Denver: Almost heaven-
Me: Wow the place he’s singing about must be amazing
John Denver: -West Virginia
Me: Ok
WHY?!
The average life expectancy for a human being is one life.
WIFE: Use the newspaper to get that bee down
ME: Ok *grabs newspaper and reads the news out loud*
BEE *depressed* holy shit
Do we want 2020 to turn 21 and be able to drink?
Women can detect even the smallest of lies, but on TV they tell them they can lose 20 pounds in 5 days and they believe it all.
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my bowl of breakfast chili.
Friend- Are you tired?
Me- Nope, just ugly.
DATE: so what kind of writing do you do?
ME: um, cursive, regular…
DATE: no I mean-
ME: actually I can’t do cursive :/
[i read a pun]
me: ugh, no[i make a pun]
me: BEHOLD THE ARTISTRY