Modest Mouse: Float On
Arrogant Mouse: Gloat On
You Might Also Like
It’s illegal to play pop music on a hot air balloon.
[before pepper spray was invented]
Cop: *holds pepper grinder in suspect’s face* Say when.
My dog forgot it’s mother’s day, again.
[Forest]
GF: Oh god it’s a bear!Me: *Stuffs socks down front of pants*
GF: What are you doing?
Me: Making myself look big
Bear: Well hi
I like my coffee like I like my women.
Not banging my friends.
Hey cell phone companies, I can’t think of a more terrifying selling point than “Unlimited Talk.”
Predator taking off his mask, but it’s me removing the filters from my selfies.
if you push your belly button and nose at the same time your brain takes a screenshot
I swear every time my iPhone unlocks by my facial recognition, I hear it chuckle.
In the event of a bear attack, the best thing to do is play dead. You’ll still die. But at least you get to play with a bear.
ME: [in front of mirror] Bloody Mary Bloody Mary Bloody Mary
*Bloody Mary appears*
ME: I’m moving today and need your help
BLOODY MARY: Shit
Whoever named the axolotl was awesome and probably high af
Ok, but have you ever been stuck in a sports bra, and the only person around to help you was your teenage son, so you just lived as a sweaty pretzel for an entire day?
Woo! Let’s get this weekend started!
*Starts doing laundry*
Finished stitching this today 😇
Despite what we’ve been lead to believe,
nobody really really really wants a zigga zig ahh
Woke up thinking I’d look good in yellow.
Nope, looks like I was eaten by a shredded wheat box.
I like to go to death metal shows and throw throat lozenges on the stage, it shows I care.
Damn, girl. Are you King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table?
Cause I just Camelot.
8yo: What does Dad do for work?
Me: Why don’t you ask him?
8yo: He told me to ask you.
Me: Well played. Well. Played.
You eventually reach the age when bar hopping turns into let’s stay here because it’s not that noisy and the bathroom is clean.
I log in and out of Facebook at the same speed a frightened kid runs down into the basement to grab something and runs back up.
i said i was a “bawler” not a “baller” – i meant that i cry a lot
“Still too cold… Still too cold…”
“Screw it, I can’t be late again.”
Aging has caused me to need glasses. Glasses of beer. Glasses of wine. And glasses of bourbon.
Everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Get yourself one of those swords from the mall. Stay vigilant
I have actually used trigonometry for work. I was promised by so many people that this would never happen.
Though he came from a long line of spoons, Sammy Spork always noticed a slight resemblance to Mom’s friend Frank, the fork living next door.
[ first day working at a pet store ]
customer: can i see that fish bowl?
me: sure let me get his shoes
CHILD: I thought you liked Froot Loops.
TOUCAN SAM: *eating an egg salad sandwich he brought from home* Look, kid, it’s just a job.