I’m the outdoorsy type. I hate being chained to a desk all day, but management say they have no choice until I stop biting my coworkers.
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I’m Phoenician, as in, “Nobody better stop me from Phoenician all of these donuts.”
Any psychic who needs a door bell to let them know someone is there is probably not worth the money.
all my dance moves look like i’m trying to tell the guy on first base to steal second
They say throwing a party is about planning, but it’s really about setting aside your pride and asking your friends and family to bring whatever dumb items you forgot.
“so, have you ever done a job interview over the phone before?”
[over vigorous peeing] no, this will be a first
The guy who cut me off then slammed on his brakes just got pulled over and I wasn’t expecting this level of joy today
“Chickfila catering?”
“Yes, sir. How big is your party?”
“Party?”
I’ve never been #BackToTheFuture , but my mom always used to promise me she’d knock me into next week if I didn’t behave.
*Opens Facebook, closes Facebook
*Opens Insta, closes Insta
*Opens twitter, doesn’t sleep for 3 days
Spice Girls really missed out when they wouldn’t let that girl Pumpkin be in the group
FRIEND: I hate when people refer to their pets as children.
ME: You do that all the time with your dog.
FRIEND: I don’t have a dog.
ME: …
FRIEND: Are you referring to my toddler?
ME: …Probably.
*crawls back into sea to de-evolve*
Grandma, stop asking people what they’re supposed to be for Halloween-this is Walmart.
(Toy store)
ME: “Where do you keep the Schwarzenegger dolls?”
Clerk: “Aisle B, back”
HADES: what happens when Aphrodites hair gets frizzy?
ZEUS: don’t-
HADES: i guess u could call her AFROdite
ZEUS: this is why we banished u
Yes we left some guests inside the park last night. yes we’re going back for them. Calm down
Grammar isn’t just grandpa’s wife.
Don’t accidentally make eye contact with your dog while you’re eating. It’s a trap.
Me: Santa, why are women so scary?
Santa: dude come on, I make $8.50 an hour, get off me.
ME: *striking a pose at the end of the runway*
PILOT (over intercom): we’ll take off as soon as this fuckin moron gets out of the way
[When Harry Met Sally, 1989]
HARRY: Hey
SALLY: Sup
*roll credits*
Whenever my wiener dog misbehaves I glare at her threateningly while eating sausages
There aren’t enough love songs about the moment you see your luggage appear at baggage claim.
[lawyer whispers to plaintiff]
two can play this game
“Your honor. Upsexy.”
Judge: what’s upsexy?
“that’s harassment. move to change venues”
Me watching my husband quietly close the dishwasher after taking just one clean dish out
“Do you want to have fun but also get more mad than you’ve ever been in your life?” – video games
3: Please move
Me: You said that very nicely, but the dog doesn’t speak English
3: Woof Woof
[texting]
Him: What’re you doing
Me: Watching a chicken strip
H: Why don’t you just eat it
M: BECAUSE SHE’S BUSY DANCING, TODD
Saw a used kettle I liked on eBay. It said “needs filter”, but I thought the picture of it was fine as is.
[NASCAR Press Conference]
REPORTER: What’s your race strategy?
DRIVER: Fast circles