My wife spent two weeks deciding what color to paint the bathroom. I got a cat on my 9th birthday and named it Cat.
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I’m not super useful until I’ve had coffee, then I get jittery followed by a caffeine crash. At 11 I’m too hungry to think then I get post-lunch sleepies. By afternoon my brain is fried but for 25 minutes each day – I’m the best employee here and they’re lucky to have me.
Glen, the spatula: *giggling* ok ok shhhh watch this
Me: *trying to open the drawer* what the-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ* dammit-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ*
The other Utensils: *going nuts* GLEN! GLEN! GLEN! GLEN!
All bottle caps are twist-offs if you have a prosthetic robot hand
netflix be hiring writers who have literally never had a normal conversation with anyone ever
“I’ve got a couple of ideas I wanna run by you this afternoon,” my coworker threatened
I’ve been training my family to be future Survivor contestants. If you can find food in my house, you can make it anywhere.
[date]
HER: Any hobbies?
ME: I collect old comics
HER: Oh! Like 1st editions?
ME: [flashback to Billy Crystal tied up in basement] Sure
Everybody want to be a gangsta till it’s time to go to jail.
I wore a beanie hat in public and people kept trying to buy drugs from me. I made $1200 but now I’m out of breath mints.
When people shorten words for no reason it makes me want to commit murds.
two people had sex in the 80s and now I gotta pay bills, hydrate, and hate myself???
Finally my winter fat has gone!
I now have spring rolls.
I’m whitening my teeth while I bake so I don’t eat and OMG, guys, did you know brownie batter is still amazing mixed with hydrogen peroxide?
I tried to explain Pokémon to my 4-year-old.
After hearing myself say it out loud, I’m pretty sure I ruined both of our childhoods.
I asked a patient (accompanied by his wife & teenage son) if he exercises? He said, ‘Of course!’ & his wife, in unison, said ‘Not at all!’
I looked at the teenager. He said, ‘Dad goes out with his gym bag but I can’t say for sure if he exercises!’
That boy is a future diplomat.
Karl’s toupee isn’t fooling any one
romeo and juliet is what happens when you don’t sync your watches before a mission
I’ll be signing books at the library tomorrow from 2-4pm (or until that librarian calls the cops again). Come on out!
13 pulled me away from my desk “to come and taste the pizza she made” and incidentally a sink full of dishes ready to wash.
My wife asked me if I was going to take a shower before we go to some friend’s house for the evening like she didn’t see me get in the pool.
Why do birds,
suddenly appear,
every time,
you are near?
Just like me,
you seem to be,
made of seeds.
The deadliest weapon is the mind. Unless you got a sword or something. Or a gun. If you have a gun, that’s definitely the best choice.
The only thing I want written on my tombstone is “I’m standing right behind you.”
what did people do with their wet phones before rice was invented
This lady just ordered a turkey sub with no bread & the deli lady said, “so you want a salad?” The lady said, “no, a sub without bread.” So to be annoying I asked for a salad just like hers. If looks could kill, I wouldn’t be telling y’all this.
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
Apparently, I have to go to the pet store because my wife is angry that I put the wrong gold fish in my kid’s packed lunch.
Bought myself some tulips to say thank you for putting up with yourself, day in, day out, Jesus Christ what a job.
According to hotel AC, the difference between 72 degrees and 73 degrees is 40 degrees.
went to the beach and pissed on a jellyfish before it had chance to sting me