She’s a 10…but sometimes an 8 and maybe a 12 once in awhile because clothing sizes are so inconsistent.
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Oddly enough, ever since downloading
AdBlock onto my computer …..all the local girls in my area
seem to have lost interest.
Saw a “Toby Keith’s I Love This Bar” that went out of business. Apparently he was the only one.
First date idea: Find out how they sneeze.
No one has a bigger death wish than a 10yo spying on her older sister while her sister is talking to a boy.
Enter password:
“ScoobyDoo”
sorry password must contain a special character
ScoobydooFeaturingBatman
I’m a lot like a 3 legged table: I make dinner very uncomfortable
Detective: We’re going to need to confiscate your phone and computer, look through your browsing history for anything that might be relevant.
Me: I’d rather just confess.
Detective: To what?
Me: Whatever
[on the train]
Conductor: Ticket please
Me: *hands it over*
C: Lady this is a speeding ticket
M: *sighs* That’s why I’m on the train
I could never argue with evolution. No telling how many situations have had me ready to throw my own shit.
I just spent a ridiculous amount of time trying to spell Wednesday, so I canceled the event.
Cute waiter: Hi, what can I get for you?
Me: *accidentally barks*
*trains 1 million soldier ants*
*gets carried to work*
Just saw somebody leaving the dispensary in a U-Haul truck. Leave some for the rest of us, cmon
We carpeted our bathroom last night. My kid covered the entire floor with towels before their bath so same thing.
Me: Whatcha doing on the PC?
Daughter: Looking at peckers.
M: WHAT?!?
D: Science project on chickens.
M: Oh.
D: You walked RIGHT into that.
NO THAT IS OBVIOUSLY NOT WHAT I’M LOOKING FOR GOOGLE
I talk a lot of shit for a girl who can’t function when the sock seam is twisted.
Don’t you hate when you’re an astronaut and someone opens the hatch to go into space and you’re like, “nooooo, all my air guitars!”
Me: they’re called in-laws because the law still applies if you do something to them right
Guy on subway: what
Me: what
My dentist asked how school was and I said “great” because that’s much easier than “oh I actually dropped out because I’ve effectively monetized a twitter account where I numerically objectify dogs”
Kid: Mom, will you play with me?
Me: Sure.
Kid: Okay, pretend you’re dead.
Me: This was the role I was born to play. *lays down and remains motionless for hours*
You guys beat up on Catholicism, but any time you need an exorcism, there you are dialing up the rectory.
Stay friends with gravity while you can, kids, because one day it will turn on you and make your face look like it’s eating itself.
If she calls me cheap one more time I’m gonna return her anniversary gift to 7/11.
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.
El Chapo is a murderous Mexican drug lord. El Chapo Supreme is a murderous Mexican drug lord with sour cream, lettuce and tomato.
i’m a writer the way a potato is a battery
[Doctors appointment]
Me: It hurts when I go like this. *gets up and leaves and goes to work*
My coworker told me he got banned from a bar when he lived in North Dakota back in 1973 and didn’t try going back to it for 30 years but he finally did and the moment he stepped in someone yelled “Get the hell out of here Dennis” And that’s probably my favorite story ever
I remember the exact moment growing up when I came to know that a babysitter was not someone who sat on babies.