My dog’s the one that’s getting chonky, so why do I have to exercise too?
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My wife’s yoga class is really relaxing…
‘Cuz she’s usually gone for at least two hours.
Gin & Tonic: 91 calories.
Banana: 105 calories.
Choosing the healthy option: Priceless.
CRYING
I was bit by a radio active spider so now I wear a rubber suit, swing around like a monkey and use karate, you know, like a spider.
The date was going horribly until I brought out my tambourine.
Modest Mouse: Float On
Arrogant Mouse: Gloat On
Dude at Starbucks just left the crowded store and went “Bye everyone,” and every single person in that store said goodbye I literally just met the main character
Sand doesn’t even taste bad it’s just the texture
ME: this is Inky my pet octopus, Stompy my elephant and Mr Butters my horse
FRIEND: the horse isn’t Hoofy or something?
ME: grow up Kalvin
Monopoly made me believe there would more bank errors in my favour as an adult.
The trick to falling asleep is putting your phone down. Unfortunately, that’s not a risk I’m willing to take.
thunderbolt and lightning
very, very frightening me
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
Rise and shine, let us get back to normal life today 😂😂😂
[pearly gates]
ANGEL: bad jokes are not allowed in heaven
ME: ok
ANGEL: that means absolutely no puns
ME: abSOULutely
*clouds turn to fire*
me: [unconscious in hospital bed]
wife: I think we’re ready to pull the plug
dr: why
wife: quality of life
dr: he could wake up at any moment
wife: oh, not HIS quality of life
“My mom is a total MILK.”
— 14-year old, Norman Bates
Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret. – Ambrose Bierce
After hand washing your cat, put up to dry
Genuinely stunned France has adopted the word “wifi” rather than “le signal librement accessible sans l’utilisation de fils” or some shit.
I’m not saying I was fired from Spirit Halloween for stealing, I’m just saying I have skeletons in my closet
My wife was shocked when she found out I was a bad electrician.
“Watch this guy slap himself in the face.” -mosquito
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
[1st ever peacock to open up his tail]
hey fellas, I dunno what it is, but
i. feel. fantastic.
Him: Can you turn on the wifi?
Me: *does a seductive dance in front of the router*
“Quick kid I don’t have much time. In 2020 they will release a super virus in a strategic attempt to wipe ou-“
[Texting]
Him: Hey babe, what’re you wearing?
Me: *naked pooping* ummm…nothing
Him: That’s hot
computer: choose new password
math teacher: algebra
computer: password must contain numbers
math teacher: algebraXY
Only a fool would use the toothbrush the dentist gives you. You think the dentist would freely hand you the tools that would keep them away?
When I hear commercials say “win a trip for you and six friends” I start counting to see if I have six friends.