*guy shows me his Chinese character tattoo*
“It means wisdom”*I show him a Batman BandAid on my arm*
“It means I was brave at the doctor”
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Finally got the kids to rub my back by pretending it was ticklish
Oh we’re halfway there
Oh oh running from a bear
I pushed you down
Accidentally I swear
Oh oh eaten by a bear
You were eaten by a bear
I embrace aging gracefully
And bitterly
With good humor
And rage
Saw 8 vasectomy billboards on my 4 hour road trip through Florida yesterday. It’s like Florida knows what has to be done to Florida.
[in the woods]
Me: *rescues a deer from a bear trap*
Deer: I have a boyfriend
A group of women all bought their husbands the same shirt and didn’t tell them…🤣
Tried to talk my kid through using the microwave while I was in a meeting, so I get it nasa ground control
Sorry if my tweets aren’t good enough for you, person who retweets Cher
So, apparently, “My old girlfriend liked it!” isn’t a good defense when your significant other doesn’t like the Taco Bell gift certificate you got her for Valentine’s.
Are there a lot of abbreviations for Maine or is it just ME?
How old do I look?
9yo: 30
Aww, you deserve ice crea-
9yo: Just like grandma
-m but too bad you’re not getting any
Judge: I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation
Me: *floating*
Just as the siren’s song lures sailors to their doom on the rocks, the ding of the microwave calls the unwitting to destroy the roof of their mouth on the molten cheese of the Hot Pocket.
Did I tell you about the time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose? No? One time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose.
Apparently it is “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
Relations at the bird feeder have been strained since the experimental millet blend.
Doctor *as I wake up after an accident* I’m afraid your body’s in a terrible condition
Me: oh no
Doctor: and then you were in an accident
I am a landlord and my 1 tenant is the spider who lives in my car side view mirror. The rent is free but sometimes there is a great storm in which survival is not guaranteed. For that I’m sorry. I have to wash my car bro
Me: Why aren’t you smiling in your school picture?
Child: Because I’m at school.
Me: So?
Child: Can I see your work ID?
Me: OK never mind I get it.
Tell me again why was it necessary to dress as Snow White & bring a basket of eggs to the delivery?
Dissecting someone who’s really cute is an awwwtopsy.
[dog park meeting]
dog: we have confirmed reports that they’re hiding pills from us…
[low growls]
dog: IN THE CHEESE
[outraged barking]
Technically, setting someone on fire is burning calories.
[DEATH ROW]
WARDEN: Last meal?
CON: Just a glass of lemonade please
*Drinks lemonade/Burps*
WARDEN: Pardon
[CON WALKS FREE]
W: SHIT
I can’t take anymore of this 50 Shades of Grey promo. It’s still your basic Cinderella story. Now she just has a ball gag.
He was a real gentlemen and always opened the fridge door for me
me: is this vegan friendly?
waiter: idk dude, he’s your friend
I’ve got nothing against kids, I just don’t understand why you’d want indoor kids.
i have a lot to offer! most of it’s bad but it’s still a lot
a 3-way standoff between a duck with a laser pointer, a cat with a vacuum cleaner, and a dog with a loaf of bread