Am I joking? Yes. Absolutely.
Do I also mean it? Yes. Absolutely.
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Not to brag, but I finished an entire book in one sitting. I’m going to need some new crayons.
Well I guess it’s time to learn my kids’ names.
Just walked in front of my cat’s screen while he was on a zoom call.
(first date)
Her: I love Star Trek
Me: Me too!
Her: What’s your favourite part?
Me: *sweating* uhh when the stars go trekking!
date: i think i’ve been here before
me: really? this is my first fancy french restaurant
date: i’m definitely having deja vu
me: nice [hands menus back to waiter] make that 2 deja vus please
We’re looking for a place with a nice view of the sidewalk, a big garden to dig up and a soundproof basement for storms.
–Dog House Hunters
I don’t know why Shark Tank rejected my Snore Stopper Pillow.
Speed dating
(Don’t say anything embarrassing)
“So do you ever eat raisins and then later poop rehydrated grapes?”
(DAMMIT!)
This cashier just held my five dollar bill up to the light in case you’re wondering how I do with first impressions.
[first day as a ninja]
me: *sneaking in*
him: I’ve been expecting you
me: how
him: dude, I heard the tic tacs rattling in your purse from a mile away is this your first day
Landlordle – where the goal is to get your plumbing fixed, but you only get six chances to summon a super.
P L E E Z
T O D A Y
N E E D U
S U I N G ✅
“Don’t take this wrong but…”
Me: Ima stop you right there. I hate you just the right amount.
Please don’t ruin it.
If she wants to be chased, she better steal my pizza or something
Welcome to your 40s: here’s an extra chin.
“I’m so tired of that little piece of cheese.”
-My gramma, talking about SpongeBob
My 5yr old eats chicken wings with the precision of a hitman cleaning his rifle.
The people on house hunting shows are always like “I am a bus driver, and my partner here collects dead bugs. Our limit is 6 million dollars”.
Get real…
Them: Go big or go home
Me, 30 mins later, in my bed: This is nice
Some days I can’t believe my son is 3 ½ years old. I swear that kid has been tormenting us for at least 10 years.
My son has been away all week on a school trip. I asked my daughter: ‘do you miss your brother?’
She looked at me puzzled and said ‘isn’t he in his room?’ALL week.
My walk of shame is in the Halloween candy aisle at Walmart because I already ate what I was supposed to give out to the trick-or-treaters.
I bet the oompa loompas sang savage diss tracks about Willy wonka behind his back
Good dog. ❤️
Sensei: always expect the unexpected *pulls out picnic blanket*
Me: *instantly pulls out picnic basket*
Sensei: *hands me ninja diploma*
Gonna get a job at Starbucks and write “Chad” on every cup.
Great way to make friends is to pee in the same urinal someone else is already using.
one bad part of this whole thing is having had to explain to my 6 year old how if the easter bunny tries to come into our house i’ll have to kill it
Me: *10 minutes into a workday after a long weekend*
My smartwatch: I’ve called all the ambulances
{time travels back to 1984} yeh i’m looking for a guy named *checks notes* baby hitler.
If I was a baseball coach, I’d argue with umpires about subjective reality, stressing we can’t be sure the game is actually even happening.