Them: You’re hot.
Me: *eyes narrowed suspiciously* How many crosswalks do you see in here right now?
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Bacardi, no sugar is how I take my coffee.
I get pissed if Alexa doesn’t understand my commands with a mouthful of mashed potatoes.
6: Dad, let’s make a deal. Let me be in charge of everything, and I’ll let you have 10 coffees a day, also you can have…
Me: Sold!
Horse: so what happens if say, Fido were to break his leg?
Farmer: well we’d put a cast on him and he’d recover in a few weeks
Horse: oh thank God, because it’s actually me who broke my leg, and I had heard some pretty crazy rumors about hey woah is that thing loaded?
Day 6 of Quarantine: C-Section went smooth. The Cuties are in great shape and mother is recovering
Neighborhood so sketchy, Santa removes the reins from his sleigh and carries them in with him.
My neighbor put up like $3,000 worth of Christmas lights but I showed him by putting out a nativity scene with like 20 baby Jesuses
Text to Hubs:
If it’s not too much trouble can you get me a bottle of wine and a fuzzy blanket?Hubs:
You’re literally sitting next to me.
It’s only Ultimate Frisbee if someone dies
when u get caugt lying on ur resume but u still try to convince the interviewer that ur qualified for the job
I’m not arguing with anyone who has their own picture as their lock screen. I stepped out of line and I apologize.
Laziness is the art to rest before one gets tired.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes
#Wednesday
Damn girl, are you chocolate? Because I love you but you killed my dog.
[inventing chalk]
We want something that young children can use to play and learn with, but we also need to be able to outline dead bodies.
The wife wants me to be a doctor in our sex role playing. So I guess I’ll make her wait an hour, then send her to a specialist
Overindulged this afternoon.
Justin Bieber songs are much more enjoyable when you replace the word “girl” with “gerbil”.
Where there’s a will there’s a way. You just have to be nice to your rich aunt
[during dinner on a date]
“I’m currently in university”
how long is your degree?
“normally a year, but I have dial up, so probably 2”
(At My Funeral)
FRIEND: Of course he found a way to avoid paying me back my $20.
ME: *muted snickering from the casket*
Before the “accident” they were Duran Duran Duran
lawyer: if you can stay a night in this house, it is yours. but beware there’s a terrible cu-
millennial: holy shit home ownership? im in
ghost: *appearing* prepare to die
millennial: omg even better
My 10 year-old nephew is learning about Argentina, so I told him about all the great wines they make down there, and this, my friends, is how you get out of after-school pickups.
Lunchables™? huge waste of money! I have my kids mill their own wheat then hunt, kill & field strip a wild bologna
My wife has already mentally eaten half my fries before I’ve even ordered.
batman: I protect the innocent, the helpless, the people with no one left to save them
alfred: right
batman: also need you to make another costume, I adopted an angsty orphan and wanna send him to fight an insane clown
Voting was a lot more fun in the days when you got 4 snapshots for a dollar in the booth.
when i’m stressed i close my eyes and imagine i’m on a beach, neurotically pacing back & forth within a very small section of that beach
When I asked my daughter if she liked student council last year she said thoughtfully, ‘I did. There were a lot of free snacks,” and so sometimes people are drawn to leadership roles with Cheezits.
“Why can’t I just eat the wax?”
~me, when I can’t open the cheese