My son turned 8 yesterday. I’m killin’ it at this parenting thing.
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Office printers are like predators that can smell stress.
I wasted too much money on three pairs of purple camouflage pants.
Do one thing every day that scares your psychiatrist
One day, a handsome man will look me in the eyes and lovingly say, “I’ve been looking for you everywhere,” and this time it won’t be law enforcement.
Ads for 2020 would be like, have you ever wondered how it would feel if an entire lifetime was packed into one year? Now you can!
I am certain at least half of all curse words in history were created while someone without ninja skills was trying to work in the same room as a housefly.
Houdini, running out of ideas: Watch and marvel as I escape from this predatory timeshare contract!
this isn’t as bad as i thought it was going to be.
-my 12yo complimenting dinner
me when i know i have to be awake in a couple of hours
Cereal is a satisfying way to start the day if you’re having another breakfast within 45 minutes.
No, YOUR illiterate.
so amazing how my parents found each other even though they were from opposite ends of the eyebrow spectrum
What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before getting married?
Feyonce.
*drops mic, throws up dynasty sign*
mom: please, please just go play with the other children
christopher robin: *googling how to order zoloft* I can’t the stuffed donkey I’m friends with is clinically depressed
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time to just before a famous person was supposed to be assassinated and borrow money from them.
You read for a part, you feel good about it, you feel confident, then they cast Ben Affleck.
First Guy To Compare Apples to Oranges: Apples and oranges are pretty similar.
Other Guy: You’re an idiot. That’s like comparing…well…I don’t even know what, but that’s just stupid. This is why nobody likes you, Carl.
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
Reality: STOP ARGUING! GO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
[dinner party, setting out the main]
Friend: Wow! Is this edible gold? You’re really stepping up your game!
Me, thinking about my kid’s art taped to the kitchen cupboard shedding glitter like a damn Head & Shoulders commercial: Isn’t it fancy?!
I’m circling the auto shop and hoping that my mechanic can hear me yelling, “BRAKES!”.
My boss said I have a lot of emotional intelligence which I think is his way of saying, “we’re worried about your actual intelligence”
One day they won’t want to hang with you anymore I tell myself as my kids have 47 things to tell me while I’m on the toilet.
my inner child wanted to run and slide across the wood floor in my socks and now my outer adult has a hip out
20/__ — Cyclops with perfect vision
I nominate Chris Brown to dump a bucket of boiling hot water on himself & to raise awareness for domestic violence.
When you need to go shopping but have to Kill Bill first.
My houseplants watching me put water in the espresso machine
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
[interview]
Where do you see yourself in the next 5 years?
Me: “OMG I’M NOT A PSYCHIC THE SIGN SAID NO SKILLS REQUIRED!”