[3 days into dieting]
*sees ad for burger & fries*
*drowns in his own saliva*
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Me: [auditioning for the new Thor movie] Mjolnir, mjolfar, wherever you mjolare
I believe that mjolheart does go onMarvel Exec: Get out.
Who are you to tell me what to do? You’re not my bank account.
Any man that dates me better have my beer ready when I get home like my cats do
If I had a time machine, I would go back to the day we first let my daughter watch SpongeBob SquarePants and just destroy our TV
A cat burglar, but it’s just me putting stray cats in people’s houses when they leave
I did my first abdominal exercise since my 4 abdominal surgeries and I can say with absolute certainty that my abs are cake.
I like to start my mornings w/ a luxurious deep tissue massage*
*kids climbing all over me until they puncture my spleen & I finally get up
3yo: I want to have a real turkey on Fanksgiving
Me: Yes, Grandma will have real turkey when we go to her house.
3yo: And I will pet him! And him will say “gobble gobble.”
😬
I just flashed a goofy smile at the guy coming out of the bathroom at the coffee place because thought it was my husband. Then, to make it less awkward I said, “sorry you’re not my husband”.
Doctor: “Do you think your alcohol consumption may be getting out of control?”
Me: *swirls drink* “No”.
If science is so great how come they haven’t invented a way to compliment someone’s smell without sounding like a serial killer
Increase your odds of your pickup lines working by adding “and there’s pizza” at the end.
If you are interested in me, now is the time to shoot your shot. My standards are incredibly low.
2020 has lasted five years but October only lasted a week.
Me: Do you want your eggs scrambled or hard boiled?
7-year-old: Donuts.
My son’s name is Miller if you were wondering if I like beer.
I shall have another coffee for I am sleeping standing
What do the films Titanic & the 6th sense have in common?
Icy dead people…
And in that moment, the Ninja Turtles realized that in a way, ALL teenagers are mutants.
Once your kid learns about the planet Uranus, you can bet uranus you’ll be hearing uranus puns for months.
My 5yo just told me that she likes my singing best when she can’t hear it.
So I’m sitting, minding my own business when *BAM*
Nothing happens
The average time it takes for an elderly woman to get her ringing cellphone out of her purse is 11 days.
Sponch
the funniest historical moment was when achilles’ mom, knowing that dunking him in the river styx would make him invulnerable, didn’t take an extra 2 seconds to dip his heel in to make sure he was 100% covered. just the laziest shit ever
me: I want to buy some drugs
dealer: are you a cop
me: would I get a discount
My mother’s kitchen floor is so clean you could eat off it. You could eat off mine too, there’s all kinds of stuff down there.
I’m wildly unpopular in dessert circles for my hot hollandaise ice cream sundaes.
Her: why are you covered in egg
Me: I got into a fight
Her: did you win?
Me: yes It was over, easy