Good night everyone except the demon who invented loud cookie packaging
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My 4yo is in complete shock after she found out her uncle is my brother.
What’s sadder, the end of “Titanic” or my son’s face when I ask him to explain Bitcoin again?
Hospital bills feel like:
Here’s a bill for your Dr, the second Dr that said hi to you, the nurse that showed you where the TV remote was, each person that brought you food, that one tech that removed trash from your room, and the spoon that you ate your jello with.
WIFE: Not your eyes! You dont have to prove it anymore
GUY WHO CLAIMS HE PUTS HOT SAUCE ON EVERYTHING: *thru tears* I made a commitment babe
Dad: relax kids, no monkey business in a nice restaurant
[table over]
Monkey 1: *slams briefcase shut, stands up*
Monkey 2: not worth it man
If anyone asks I got this cardigan from a vending machine
*bother*
*bother*
*bother*
“WHY ARE YOU BEING SO MEAN TO ME FOR NO REASON”
Couples therapist: what scares you the most?
Wife: that we slowly lose respect for each other
Me: when the washing machine goes really fast
GOD: YOU ARE BANISHED FOR EATING THE FORBIDDEN FRUIT
Adam: sorry, Eve told me to!
Eve: i didn’t say “apple” i asked you to eat my a–
GOD: THAT ALSO IS FORBIDDEN
“I feel your pane”- Guy walking into your window.
It’s not about retweets or followers, it’s about alienating your children so they learn to be independent and responsible
Excuse me sir, your feet look very much like mice and I would like to murder them please.
~ my cats
“Don’t bite the hand that feeds you” maybe just don’t bite hands. Shouldn’t have to qualify it
when the moon is out in the middle of the day it’s like oh no they called you in on your day off
‘….annnnnnd now you have TWO hours before you have to get up.’
~The monster under my bed
Of course you can trust me with your secret.
*Calls local news team
When I die I want to come back as a ghost to haunt my adult children’s houses, just passive-aggressively turning off lights they’ve left on and pointedly moving their shoes to the shoe cabinet, just heavily sighing the whole time
Yo wtf…just saw a stat that said only 30-50% of people have an internal dialogue. There’s really 50%+ of the population out here walking around with NOTHING going on in their head?? Everything is starting to make much more sense
The best part of marriage is faking a deep sleep so he’ll let the dog out in the morning.
I’ll love you until the end of the egg timer.
I was thinking about going jogging and after I stopped laughing I made a sandwich.
Me: WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Funeral attendees:
Me (whispering): Grandma back.
[getting a massage]
Me: I have tension in my lower back.
*therapist begins*
Me: Lower.
Me: Lower.
Th: But that’s your a-
Me: Lower!
My favorite Slipknot member is the one who wears the mask.
Produce is too expensive. Do you have any amateur duce?
Nothing makes me scream louder during sex than when my husband calls to let me know he’s on his way home from work.
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
Made something I’m not proud of
The cool thing about having young kids is that they will straight up tell you which parent they love more without anyone even asking.
“I’m in the best shape of my life!” -Newborn baby