Lots of people have prayed for my downfall. You’re just going to have to get in line, mom.
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“our sushi is very fresh”
David Attenborough, the confusing early years
Wile E Coyote: I can’t get rid of this headache
*TNT explodes*
*anvil drops on his head*
*bus flattens him*
Dr: it’s probably stress-related
7yo son: Mom, can you hand me a tissue so I can blow my nose?
Me: Is it already—
7: It’s already on my finger, yes.
If you believe a food is 0 calories hard enough, it becomes true.
Follow me for more health advice
Sharks just aren’t eating enough people.
Want to get noticed? Go jogging without moving your arms.
“so what brings you to therapy today?”
A joke is only funny if both of you are laughing.
*and other lies we tell our kids
it’d be impossible to tell if a sloth was clapping sincerely
The first thing I’m going to do when I’m rich is buy an airline flight for everyone who works at the DMV and then delay the flight forever.
Dandelions are just like regular lions, except they wear ascots.
Caught my girlfriend having sex with an abstract artist. He said “it’s not what it looks like”
I coughed twice, so now I’m worried that the £67.43 in my bank account won’t split evenly between my two children when I die.
My neighbor’s smart refrigerator keeps trying to text me salami
You hang up
“No, you hang up”
You hang up first!
– Bats going to bed
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: You can find me in da club shawty
Wife: You’re going to Taco Bell to get nachos, aren’t you?
Me: Yes
ohhhhh my GOD I just told the dog “hey we’ll go for a walk once the baby’s awake, okay?”
and she looked at me, ran upstairs, stuck her head in the nursery, and HOWLED
When an ex mansplains something to you it’s called “explaining”
ceimr
thats “crime” but in alphabetical order
organized crime
when someone rings the doorbell
Things that are likely to kill me:
1. Eaten by shark
2. Hit by lightning
3. The words: Mom, I need help with my homework
a segment like “celebrities read mean tweets” but instead it’s professors reading course evaluations written by students who failed their class
[at restaurant]
me, in my head: i want the pasta. i want the pasta. i want the pasta.
waiter: what can i get you?
me: *scrambling to open menu* uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh i’ll have the uhhhhhhhhhh
My 4yo just realized he could raise both his eyebrows at the same time
He now does it every time he makes eye contact with me and it looks like we are in cahoots orchestrating the most diabolical plan ever
I think having a highway to Hell and only a stairway to Heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.
I want to be a lighthouse keeper who doesn’t go mad but instead maintains a healthy balance between making sure the light stays lit and my friends and family understand they come first unless I have to change the lightbulb.
Child: I’m full.
Me: Okay.
Child: Can I have dessert?
Me: What? You just said you were full.
Child: Yeah, full of THIS.
Hi, 911? I see someone from high school in this coffee shop and they’re the type to corner & chat me up and I don’t know what to do HI LAURA
Whoever got my Steam account for Christmas plz realize those Japanese dress up games are for research only, I don’t enjoy them. Plz understa