“I really like you, can I take you to dinner”
Sir -if you really liked me you’d send dinner to my house and let me be pantless instead of creating a food hostage situation
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My relationship advice?
Play Chess instead.
It’s less complicated.
I think I speak for all of us when I say I’m being presumptuous.
Sean’s gf: I feel seen
Sean: for the last time, stop pronouncing it like that
if i could choose one super power right now it would be the ability to delete my number from other people’s phones.
You’re going to have to be just a tiny bit more specific for me, bud
I just met the most interesting man at the laundromat
And then I realized that he can’t even afford
A washer or a dryer
Imagine if a centipede had to cut its toenails.
me tryna look cute after stress eating for the last 17 months
When you go to the zoo, one person in your party is required to wear a safari hat. It doesn’t have to be you, but if you’re lucky, it will be.
My first workout back at the gym was great… I did 15 mins of cardio, 10 mins on the defibrillator, and then 3 days in the hospital.
Trying to watch what I eat again so I just ate an entire loaf of bread with half a jar of Nutella I’d say that’s a good start
Just choking her is overrated. Fill the bed up with legos and choke slam her into the bed.
dracula: I vant to suck ur blood
me: oh no
dracula: I will drain u completely
me:
dracula: I will suck u dry
me:
dracula: why do u keep giggling
I just overheard someone threaten that they were going to “put their foot down”. What kind of threat is that unless you’re Godzilla?
Every time someone in a movie is being stalked, it’s like they can’t even hear the suspenseful music.
Better to have loved & lost than to have never loved at all; but if going spelunking was your idea, you should at least *try* to find her.
Duolingo is the only app I have where I can safely avoid Succession spoilers
[Inventing the escalator]
Engineer: What if the stairs could eat you?
Just got an email from dominoes said “easy and delicious” they sure know how to talk to a single guy!
if you don’t respond to my email when i am alive don’t expect me to reply to your ouija board questions when i am dead.
Cop: why were you speeding
Me: Out of POLITENESS to the car behind me
[first day as a hacker] *puts ax down* i got inside their computer alright
My girlfriend asked me to act like an animal in bed. So I peed on the pillow.
Funny Quote of the Day: “If your parents never had children, chances are… neither will you.” – Dick Cavett
When I die, I want to be buried in a random field without a casket or teeth, so I can be an unsolved mystery one day.
families in horror movies buying houses: hey let’s get the haunted af one
My 4yo sang Old MacDonald but in his version “on that farm he was a cow” which was a plot twist M. Night Shyamalan would be proud of
“Great minds think alike”
So do stupid minds
I bumped into a VERY handsome man on the tube platform and now we’re on the train together and i can’t wait to steal furtive glances at him until I get to my stop and do absolutely nothing more about it