[at divorce lawyer]
bad news, currently all your husbands assets are frozen
“he didn’t”
he bought 1547 copies of it, he must really hate you
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I’m not sure what everyone at my coworking space does for work, but I’m pretty sure one guy’s job is chewing.
I like running up to kids, punching a puppy in the face and screaming “WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW?” And that’s my long-term solution to religion.
If I lost a leg in an accident the worst part would be never being able to flush a public toilet again
At the dmv waiting outside for my daughter to fill out paperwork. I’m remembering when I was 16 and my dad backed the car into the spot so I could just pull forward with the test guy. It worked! And 35 years later, I still can’t back out very well.
Pilot: Plane’s too heavy, must shed 5 passengers!
Co-Pilot: A deserted island’s below us…
*lock eyes* We have to MAROON 5!
*plane implodes
wordle is just figuring out who to put in the bunkers during the apocalypse so humans can start procreating after.
Bewitched was my favorite show about a woman who had a magical power & couldn’t use it because she got married.
Wife: It’s date night!
Me: So, a movie, and… You still have that school uniform?
W: Yes. *winks*
M: Maybe you can get a student discount.
I can’t shop there because I don’t understand their parking lot.
Why do birds
Suddenly appear
Every time
You are near?
Just like me
You’re secretly
Made of bread
guys named stephen “can’t ephen.”
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
cute girl 1: i’m a vegetarian
cute girl 2: i’m a vegan
me (trying to impress): i’m a vegetable
Hey girl are you a capri sun? Because i want to stab you.
[first day as waiter]
Customer: Do you ever have second thoughts?
Me: *sweating* I can ask the chef.
*starts GoFundMe campaign to buy a soft drink at the movies*
caveman: *bit by a radioactive cave*
These golfers behind me keep yelling, “Take your shot!” but they haven’t poured me any tequila.
”My intentions are not pure” I whisper as I put on yoga pants with no intention of doing yoga.
ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?
*Sees feelings chasing me down.
*Builds wall of McDonald’s fries.
*Crisis averted.
i watched my wife fall off a cliff… your whole world can change in a matter of seconds. mine almost did.
I get why she built the pillow wall in our bed…but the barbed wire seemed a bit extreme.
If your bio is chock full of emojis, I like to assume you’re too stupid to form complete sentences.
My toxic trait is that I answer “spam likely” calls, because maybe I can fix them.
4: When will I stop growing?
Me: When you’re a grownup, like me.
4: But you still grow.
Me: No I don’t.
4: You grew too big for those pants you really like.
Me:
Even Forrest Gump got laid.
This is bullshit.
Just saw a bumper sticker that said “supprt your local beaver” or maybe it said “support your local brewer” either way it’s sound advice.
Imagine burning sage and passing out because you’re the bad energy
Twelve years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe that he did it. I wasn’t even sick.