I need someone to hand me a cup of coffee when I wake up so I can have coffee before I make my coffee.
You Might Also Like
honestly if they just added caffeine straight to hazelnut creamer, it would save me a lot of time
Me: Hi, thanks for meeting with me. Oh is it pronounced Caroline or Carolynn?
Her: anything is fine
Me: ……..ok Sarah, let’s get started.
Wine is like tapdancing, I can never tell if it’s good or bad
Pilot: Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking…
Me: *sitting upright in bed* How the hell did you get in here?
I feel so bad for my cat, he’s sitting by the door crying out for this cat and her baby (that are on the opposite side) The same cat I caught him with the night he snuck out, but sweetheart you have been neutered for a year+ she is lying, that is not your baby
No, I don’t wish to see “offensive replies”
what is this, a family reunion?!
Someone added the GameCube intro to my unemployment graph & it’s significantly better now.
Why don’t we raise more chickens that lay Cadbury Creme Eggs so we can have them year-round?
*at funeral*
ME: I know how you feel
FRIEND: Dont bring up the time you only got yel–
ME: One time I only got yellows in my Starburst pack
[first day as a lion tamer]
me: don’t worry i totally researched this…
ring master: um ok
me: *pulls out a pig and a meerkat* NOW SING
Exterminator: I can’t do anything about it.
Me: but I’m infested.
Exterminator: look! you’re the one who chose to have this many kids.
Our fifteen year old just spent most of dinner trying to explain to me why no one is really successful unless they are an “influencer” and then I strongly influenced him to go to bed.
me, waking up from my nap and getting ready to exercise.
my nudist neighbours are moving away and selling everything and I’m thinking the washer and dryer will be worth a look
[First date]
HER: I want a man who is intensely passionate when he sees something he wants
ME: PASS THE FREAKING SALT
[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
Just picturing a bunch of roombas praying to a statue of a full sized vacuum cleaner
Right about now, I’d say that mistletoe is probably the most deadly plant on earth.
I just switched my phone to airplane mode and a small child appeared and started kicking me in the back.
Them: “Live in the moment!”
Me: “HAVE YOU SEEN THIS MOMENT?”
The sock thief who lives in our dryer has developed a taste for masks.
Guy: Must be hard being named after the hay Jesus was born on
Christian Bale: What?
Honest wine recommendations are exactly what you need via @pleatedjeans
[car wreck]
[hand reaches out]“Take my hand. I’m Chad Kroeger from the popular band Nickelback.”
[I let the flames slowly bake me alive]
My snake charmer friend is getting married to a funeral driver. I think I’m just going to play it safe and buy them a set of hiss and hearse towels.
i hate when someone rings my doorbell because then i have to drop whatever i’m doing to be silent and pretend i’m not home.
A rabbit has a father who has a big hair care product empire and wonders if one day his child will become the Hair heir hare.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: (who is terrified of becoming a vampire) Hopefully in a mirror
“I just figured the ‘H’ was broken on your sign”
Nope, this is what I sell here. Now how many Doug nuts do you want?