Couldn’t look worse today.
Time to run into an ex…
You Might Also Like
Do I have any plans? What do I look like, a goddamn architect?
Parenting is all about multitasking. Like trying to brush your teeth while you’re rock climbing.
Can a paleontologist explain to me why dimetrodons were so infatuated w/ yelling at the ocean?
Nice tan. I’m guessing your mother is white & your father’s a sweet potato?
I see Netflix changed The Punisher’s origin to have his family killed by the government instead of him getting bit by a radioactive punish.
If there is a zombie apocalypse I hope that they are thriller zombies because they’re fabulous dancers
If you can’t get your baby to stop crying, try vacuuming. Then you can’t hear your baby crying and your floors will be clean.
I’ve always wanted to buy 2 coffees, take them to a crime scene & while handing 1 to the officer in charge ask, “So, what do we have here?”
OK, guy with the two kayaks and two bikes strapped to his Subaru Outback: settle down. Save some outdoors for the rest of us.
ME: How are you?
“I can’t complain”
ME: Maybe you’re not trying hard enough
HULK:*smashes a tank*
IRON MAN:*flies bomb into space to save mankind*
HAWKEYE: I have an arrow w/ your name on it pal, hold on stand still
I’m in line behind a lady with 100 coupons so come visit me in jail, OK?
The best way to stay safe on the road is to drive like something other cars want to avoid.
Oh thank goodness, my Uber driver knows what’s really wrong with this country.
[writing Jurassic Park 2]
Writer 1: alright first things first, palaeontologists OUT
Writer 2: but it’s a dinosaur movie-
Writer 1: -bUt iTs A dInOsAuR mOviE STFU. Hairy chest mathematician IN
The fact that Mitt Romney opted to see Twilight instead of Lincoln this weekend probably sums up what his presidency would’ve been like.
you know who else had a “fun hat phase”? Abe Lincoln. and we all know what happened to THAT guy
Friends: Come get a drink with us after work?
Me: Nah, I gave up drinking for my New Year’s Resolution.
Friends: C’mon, just have one….
Me: Ok, maybe just one.
[ three hours later at the club ]
Me:
Why do birds suddenly appear anytime you are near?
Him: *hiding bread crumbs in his pockets*
YOU: Your guess is as good as mine
ME: Is it a dolphin wearing a banana hammock?
YOU: Ok maybe your guess isn’t as good as mine
Throwing things off the table before my cat gets the chance to is one of my favourite past times. Eye contact is imperative for full satisfaction
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
parrots can literally talk, why is everyone so ok with it
I like my women how I like my government: open and unprotected.
IKEA employees are just the souls of previous shoppers that couldn’t find the exit
Date: so you were married twice before?
Me: yes
Date: any kids
Me: no they were both adults
I used my husband’s shoes to check the mail and was immediately compelled to ask the neighbor kids why they trust the trees since they’re so shady
They don’t seem to abduct humans like they used to; looks like we are not the only planet with government science-funding budget cuts. Sad.
“Do you have at least 15 tattoos?” – final question at interview to work in a kitchen in 2013
I just saw a woman push 5 little kids in a shopping cart out of Walmart. I didn’t realize that you could get them in bulk now.