Me: When I asked you to get into the Christmas spirit, I didn’t mean for you to become Scrooge!
Teen: rolls eyes
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narrator: and here we see the majestic bal-
toupeed eagle: what?
My sweatpants sat me down and said they want me to get an office job again.
*Reads your ransom note*
*Edits for grammar and punctuation*
Women’s fall fashion is basically coming up with ways to wear a blanket without it looking like you’re wearing a blanket.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: On the sitcom Friends, how come the only couch at the coffee shop was always available for them?
My therapist says I’m making progress but that’s only because I lie to her
I like to play my cello on the beach, but I only know 2 notes and for some reason it freaks everyone out.
*being mugged*
me: “im warning you, i know karate”
mugger made out of thin, stationary blocks of wood: “oh shit”
Wish a poltergeist would move in so there’d be someone else to blame when I lose my shit.
God: this animal is called a woodchuck
Angel: because it can ch-
God: lmao no
Spring allergies- because my body likes to panic about plant sex
I aspire to be a stay-at-home mom with no kids
CIVIL WAR SPOILER: A lot of people in the South still don’t know they lost.
Swiss cheese is cheating cheese cause there’s holes where there could be more cheese stay woke.
I only eat vegetarians.
Wife: I swear, I’m gonna kill my boss
Me: please don’t; it’ll get better
Wife: aww, thanks for the suppo-
Me: *interupting* no way you’re making me a single dad of 2 while you just chill in prison
I spilled coffee over my keyboard, so I spent all day asking letters from my employees.
“Give me a “g”
“Give me an “h”
They hate me now.
Me to 15: aw, you’re so handsome in your school pictures! Stop growing up so fast!
15: I just heard you and dad saying you can’t wait til I move out so my room can be a home gym.
Me: ……sooo handsome though..
Really not a fan of the wind. Why is the air in such a hurry? You’re outside already, where else are you even trying to get to?
How to be a politician 101:
Answer all yes/no questions with the words “Well, look” and then answer a completely different question.
I’ve never literally been tortured but I have walked behind old people when I was in a hurry.
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector and fire is real.
Define “toned.”
-Me to the Creators of all Dating Apps
Dog: When are we going for a walk?
Me: Just let me finish my sandwich*Dog steals and eats my sandwich
Dog: Okay, I’m ready
*Sends carrier pigeon back*
“I have a suitor.”
me: you know what’s not cool?
13: *yelling from another room* YOU!
Employee: please stop
Me: I’m just finding the right avocado
Employee: people usually just squeeze it
Me: *takes one bite out of another avocado* really?
Did you know if you weigh yourself, then take a dump, then weigh the dump & weigh yourself again, you’ll be banned from Walgreens for life?
I swear I won’t be undressing you with my eyes again. That REALLY hurt!
Mom (on phone): your uncle had a heart attack. he was playing tag with his grandkids
Me: oh no
Mom: it was a little touch and go for a while
Me: are you seriously explaining tag to me right now