A girl named Ruth quit working at our office. I’ve been referring to the office as “ruthless” since then. People are pissed.
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They only arrested Justin Bieber cause he’s black.
I’m sorry that I gave your baby a wine cooler. I forgot that I superglued a mustache on him earlier and thought he was of legal age.
[Obama giving Trump the White House tour]
O: and here’s the toaster, it tends to stick so don’t be afraid to jam a fork in to get it workin
Ziiipppp, zip, zip, zip, ziiiipppp!
*Me, dramatically ending a marital spat during a camping trip
The extra hour from Daylight Saving Time gave me the opportunity to get so much more housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
Clark: *on one knee* Lois, will you help me turn this MEtropolis into a WEtropolis
Hurricane. It’s fine.
Broken foot. Still fine.
Anemic, arthritic, slow walking dog who refuses to go in the backyard so must be walked through nature’s hissy fit. Totally fine.
Coffee maker not working. EXTREMELY NOT FINE.
The real reason Darth Vader cut off Luke’s hand was because he touched the thermostat
Is Bowser a kind of turtle that has spikes, or is he in some kind of turtle youth movement that wear spikes and wristbands and harbor bad turtle attitudes
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care of most
batman [clenching fist]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
You: hello
Me: Ok here’s why you’re wrong
SORRY MISTER, BUT MOM SAYS I CAN’T GET IN YOUR VAN UNLESS THE CANDY’S SUGAR-FREE.
*time traveler returns from 2021*
“Everybody’s at home, day drinking and proving they’re not robots or cats.”
So many people say they love their Roomba, but you never see them set it free.
Every time I attend a wedding I try to get the DJ to play “The Monster Mash.” One time I took the bride’s phone and texted the DJ with it. Another time I claimed I was the bride’s brother and that it was a really important in-joke between the couple. I’m batting .700
You learn something every day
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
people always talk about how they love to sit in their cars for a while once they get home. whenever i do that, my uber driver yells at me
The best place on the internet is the reviews of hats for cats because every review is like “5 stars, amazing hat” and then a picture of the cat looking absolutely furious
The word “defenestration” means “to throw someone out a window.” Which means this happens so often we needed a word for it.
Facebook: Do you know this person?
Me: Yes!
Facebook: Do you want to connect?
Me: Absolutely not.
A man approaches me. “You caught my eye,” he says.
I look in my hand. “Christ, is THAT what this thing is?!”
🤣🤣
We’re just started on a 6 hour drive and the boys simultaneously jinxed each other. They won’t talk until I say their names and they’re silently mouthing things at each other.
I just won the traveling with kids lottery.
If you need to rush somewhere, carry a fire extinguisher. Nobody will stop a person running with a fire extinguisher.
wile e. coyote running off a cliff and not falling until he looks down except it’s me stopping for a second mid-sentence to think about what i’m saying
I melted down all my various rewards cards into a universal “Rewards Dagger” that gets me a discount everywhere.
Spending all my money on lottery tickets so I’ll either be rich or poor, none of this wishy-washy stuff in the middle