I’m now on year 3 of the ‘7 day ab challenge’
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It makes me a little sad that shaking a vending machine might be the closest I ever come to fighting a robot.
WIFE: Where are the groceries?
ME: Bacon was on sale.
WIFE: Oh god, what does that mean?
*sound of dump truck backing into driveway*
[First date]
Her: I like bad boys.
Me: *trying to impress* I have it on Blu-ray.
[Death Row]
GUARD: last requests?
INMATE: a little heroin would be nice
TINKER BELL: *chloroforms guard*
INMATE: I meant the drug stupid
If you hold a warm baked potato it feels like you’re holding someone’s hand without having to touch anyone.
Can someone make a voodoo doll of me and send it off to the gym?
Taking phone security to the next level.
Of course when Godzilla destroys the city is the same day I wear flip flops and no belt!
Ted Cruz continues to be a trailblazer as he becomes the first Hispanic person to flee FROM Texas TO Mexico because of ICE
talking to animals doesn’t make you crazy, hearing them talk back does
I’m not religious but I know there’s a hell because Monopoly exists
Look lady, you’ll find out why I brought a bib to our date as soon as the food gets here.
fridge ice dispenser: *10 minutes of grumbling sounds* fine you can have ONE!
ME: On the one hand, I have this weird rash. And on the other hand
DATE: ??
ME: It’s on both hands, I should probably see a doctor
A survey found one in five women have ended a relationship because their significant other was too busy playing video games.
moving out: guess I’ll get rid of that exercise bike
moving in: you know what this place could use…
Ever look at your coworker and wonder “how are they still giving you a paycheck”?
The problem with Chinese food is an hour later you feel like hacking the Pentagon again.
Looks like someone’s thrown Yoda through a window.
it’s Thanksgiving day. i’m carving a turkey. “ahem” i hear from across the house. it’s my old violin instructor. i sigh and then pick up the turkey, put it under my chin and continue an elegant sawing motion. she nods with approval.
gonna be sporting and give tim a five minute head start
[stranded on a desert island]
*plane flies over head and drops a letter*
Me: omg I’m going to be rescued!
*opens letter*
we’re just reaching out to you about your car’s extended warrantyMe: Sonofa-
My neck, my back, my…
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
Me: *Gets my kids the exact same thing to avoid arguments*
*argument ensues*
“Go ahead, caller….”
“Mom, you have to stop answering your phone that way.”
6-year-old: I’m laughing cause your laugh makes me laugh. Your joke’s not funny though.
That stung.
[After 20 min at your house]
I used all your toilet paper
“Check in the cabine-”
All of it
“We have more in the gar-”
All of it all of it
them: is that a real sword
me: why would i walk around with a toy sword. that’s crazy