Coworker said ‘nice pink shirt, when did you come out?’ I said ‘IT’S NOT PINK IT’S SALMON!’. Then I snapped my fingers and skipped away.
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When a coworker tells everyone he proposed, I’m the guy that asks, “So, what did she say?”
I’m funny that way.
Wanna freak people out? Lick your fingertips when you finish pumping gas.
*phone rings*
Wife: “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me (a dad): “Hello. Yes my wife is here. Hey, Not In. It’s for you.”
Wife: “….”
Oh wow, she’s so whimsical and fun. Ope, I’m wrong. She’s just plastered in the middle of the day.
Me: *driving* Look, kids, it’s Godzilla.
Kids: Where?
Me: *pointing* There! The big giant lizard. You can’t miss him.
Kids: WHERE!
Me: He’s picking up our car.
Kids: WHERE?!?
Me: He’s hurling us through the air.
Kids: *crying* I DIDN’T SEE HIM!!
who called it trying to conceive and not kidding?
You never notice pilots because they’re usually in d’skies
They say you should eat 6 small meals a day to lose weight so being an overachiever I have been eating 26 a day.
What do you call a bunch of chess players bragging about their game in a hotel lobby?
Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer
Some of these captcha tests are hard sha. Maybe I’m a robot?
I’m in good enough shape to be turned into a vampire now.
[at a wine tasting]
Me: *sips and swishes*
Employee: Sir, you can’t drink inside the grocery store
I just passed the cutest kitten.
It was much easier than swallowing it.
I bet cats are pissed they can’t sit on televisions anymore.
Dad: “GO TO YOUR ROOM NOW!”
Child: *storms off* “JIM MORRISON WAS OVERRATED!”
Dad: “WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT SLAMMING THE DOORS!?”
Don’t be afraid to start over. I’m now on my third body.
That bear was just minding its own business. You brought that granola bar into the situation. Should have brought enough to share.
Her: You secretly think you’re smarter than everyone else, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME
Looks like someone’s been slipping steroids into Garfield’s lasagna again.
I bet the first guy who threw shit into a fan never knew what an incredible legacy he would leave.
Have kids so that you can remind them constantly about something only to have them look at you each time as if this is the first they’ve heard of it.
[i bite into an apple and a swarm of bees comes flying out]
“this gives me an idea for a restaurant”
Eating fried cheese is the closest i’ve gotten to doing heroin.
This is my main handbag, and this is the handbag I have to fit everything that doesn’t fit in my main handbag
I’m a failure as a sociopath. I’m just not very good at manipulating and taking advantage of people. I’m more of a so-sopath.
ME: I quit texting and driving after the accident.
HER: Were you hurt?
[flashback to 12 hot dogs rolling off the dashboard]
ME: So hurt.
“sir we don’t hire people to be mannequins”
Me:*strikes mannequin pose*
“No, sir we don-”
M:*new pose*
[under breath] “damn this guys good”
Never, ever ask a woman if she’s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.