Daylight Saving Time starts this evening, turn your clocks forward and change smoke alarm batteries before going to bed tonight.
You Might Also Like
There are 2 types of people in this world: those that can parallel park on the 1st try and those that don’t think they are better than everyone else.
[God creating chihuahuas]
“Scare that rat into an identity crisis”
“Hey look, a corn maze!”
– me, drunk, about to get lost in a corn maze
Nice shoes. Where’d you get them?
Him: …
*peeks under bathroom stall*
Did you hear me?
Guy: [strolling along] Well, at least I have my heal- *piano falls on his head*
Me: [leaning out my apartment window] Oh no! My piano!
My medical bracelet just says “Call 911” because people are idiots
My 6yr old says she’s going to stay up until the New Year, NO MATTER WHAT. She just asked if it was midnight yet, it’s 7:05.
(scientists naming weird spiny thing in a bush)
Scientist 1: This thing sucks
Scientist 2: Yeah!
S1: It’s hogging all the hedges!
S2: Wait.
[watching Queer Eye]
tan france on TV: *holding up a shirt* this is ghaaastly. this is the oogliest shirt i have evah seen.
me at home: *looks down* *is wearing the exact same shirt*
Whoever named snakes did a great job. Those things are definitely snakes.
“I want frog legs.”
-Fancy restaurant order or the coolest plastic surgery request ever
ME: Michaelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back?
GF: Yep
M: [2 hours later] How did he reach the bit between his shoulders?
Getting emails texts and calls from school during the school year: WHAT DO THEY WANT NOW??
Getting emails, texts and calls from school in August: IS IT STARTING EARLY?! CAN I TAKE HER NOW??!
Starting to think North Korea just really hates the ocean.
My buddy: “Yeah spring break, man! Have an awesome one!” *hangs up*
Me: *Covered in blood and barricaded into a room in Castle Dracula, screaming into phone* “NO! BRING STAKE! BRING STAAAAAKE!”
[Snail Court]
Snail Lawyer: Permission to approach the bench, Your Honor?
Snail Judge: I’m sorry; we don’t have that kind of time.
I’m at the “buy bigger jeans” part of my Eat. Pray. Love. journey.
Either I stood up too quickly or this quart of vodka was deliciouser than I thought.
I’m getting tired of always having to slowly raise my hand every time someone angrily asks, “Who does something like that?!”
Goldilocks is still undefeated when it comes to forced entry Yelp reviews.
“I love you.”
“I love you, two.”
Because multiple personality disorder.
Oh OK thanks for the tip, I was actually planning on letting the bed bugs bite but good call
When I’m empty-handed my dog doesn’t know what the word ‘sit’ means, but if I have a treat she can perform neurosurgery.
My daughter is taking a bath and asking me to bring her Camping Barbie and every time I present a Barbie to her she says “No, CAMPING Barbie.” She is growing frustrated. I don’t know what to do. All of the Barbies are naked.
A sex boycott sounds fun and all but have you ever tried marriage?
My new sunglasses blend perfectly with the color of my hair so I won’t feel so stupid the next time I lose them on the top of my head.
*watching the villains on the moon in Superman II*
Daughter: Are they the first to land there?
Me: No – Neil before Zod
I was shocked as an adult to learn that the crisscross pattern made with a fork on a peanut butter cookie was not a family secret.
“What would Jesus do?” is an unfair question. He had superpowers. Your lifeboat is sinking. WWJD? Well, he’d get out and walk to shore. See?