THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS TO ALL THE BROS ON INSTAGRAM WHO CAN’T AFFORD SHIRTS
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I wonder if Batman ever saw the Batsignal and thought ‘I’ve literally just sat down.”
looking for new reply guys.. mine are sleeping on the job
[A field]
*An elderly Louie Pasteur and I sit among the clover, I hold a shotgun*
Me: It’s time to put you out to pasture. *Cocks shotgun*
that feeling when you hold her face in your hands & gaze into her eyes like she’s the universe, then u think “wait a minute, who’s driving”
This painting is titled “Mother, May I Sleep with Danger?”
If you don’t like your son, grab a football and tell him to go long. Never throw it. He’s gone now.
Oh to be a 1998 baby
✔️ first memory is 9/11
✔️ watches parents lose their jobs in 2008
✔️ graduates into global pandemic and looming recession
What’s it called when you plant a ghost pepper plant and when it starts making peppers you don’t eat them because you’re afraid they’ll be too hot?
I’m that
I was a far more confident parent when I didn’t have any kids.
[infant diary]
Father has disappeared during a game of peek-a-boo. I fear the worst.
Cheers Twitter.
My husband hates it when I say ‘long story short’ so I’m going to start saying ‘the long and the short of it’. Marriage is all about compromise.
I just pressed the Popcorn setting on my microwave and it showed me secret spy video of Kellyanne Conway eating lunch.
My doctor said my cervix is perfect.
I’m still blushing.
HER: You’ve run over my dog
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME: [imagines finally being called a good boy] yes please
So many accidents occur in the home. I once turned a dimmer switch too fast and got beamed into another dimension
What do you call a person that is happy on a Monday?
Unemployed
[overhears two people taking about how difficult it is to get into Harvard] *whispers to self* Hardvard
The wife asked me to bone the chicken then acts surprised when she catches me doing it
Apparently hitting a butterfly with my car is “not a valid reason to call 911” and I “need to grow up”
When the moon hits your eye like 3.14 Pi
That’s the ratio of its circumference to its diameter
Thoughts and prayers for my mom, she’s really struggling with my weight
The year is almost over, and I haven’t stabbed anyone. My New Year’s resolution is to do better.
I’m not gonna be able to come out tonight I already sat down
POLICE: POLICE! OPEN UP!
ME: My parents never loved me.
POLICE: NOT EMOTIONALLY! OPEN THE DOOR!
ME: That makes way more sense.
1 in 5 mammals is a bat. Re-examine everything you think you know about your “loved ones.”
Father’s Day Fun:
1) Walk up to a complete stranger at lunch with his family.
2) Hug him.
3) Tell him ‘Happy Father’s Day dad’!
4) Run.
I was feeling really festive watching the fireplace channel on tv, until I got confused and tried to throw another log in there.
*a conspiracy theorist on the titanic talking to other passengers as the ship slips into the ocean*
oh, you think an iceberg caused this? frozen water cannot penetrate a steel hull. it’s impossible. you need to wake up. this is a controlled sinking…