*first date*
Me: Well I have a dog, so a lot of my life seems like it’s controlled by them sometimes!
Her: Aw, that’s sweet. Pets can be like that!
My dog: *through my hidden earpiece* OK now tell her I’m a good boy
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If you want me to save a horse and ride a cowboy, you better spare a tree and eat a beaver.
Men, start giving your partners more inventive compliments. “You have the sort of face that a Victorian novelist would describe as amiable.” “You could play Tony Blair’s wife in a movie starring Timothee Chalamet.” Try it!
Twitter keeps throwing in “in case you missed it” on my timeline…. I’ve been on twitter for the last 16 hours, I didnt miss it.
Her: Let’s just drop it.
Me: Fine.
Her:
Me:
Her: I just find it funny how…
Me: *opens car door and shoulder rolls out into traffic*
Walking my 6yo out to the car and pointing at a patch of dead weeds in the yard he says, “Mom what happened to those plants?!” and I’m like “those were dead before I got here I did not kill them.”
“Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.”
– Mark Twain
wife: Do you love the dog more than-
me: Yes
I’m a people pleaser, unless you don’t like that. Then I’m not.
Columbus has to be the worst guy to go to the mat for. The guy took notes the whole time & all of them are like “they were friendly so I killed them” & “note: we should do slavery here” and everyone else’s notes are like “I am trapped on a boat with a murderer”
Me: You won’t believe the dream I had last night! I slapped you in the face with a hot pizza.
Him:
M: *looks down*
*sees pepperoni all over*
Me: Do you wanna do a scavenger hunt?
Kid: Nah, I’m just gonna play on the iPad
Me: Perfect! Because guess what I just hid
Startled by the sound of my own washing machine, yet convinced I’d be a badass in any apocalypse.
The devil on my left shoulder says “bring frozen fish sticks to the office potluck”
And the worse devil on my right shoulder says “and then cook them in the staff lounge microwave”
schrödinger: your results came back, there’s good and bad news
patient: what do they say?
schrödinger: [opening them] you have 2 weeks to live
patient: what’s the good news?
schrödinger: there isn’t any now
*opens fortune cookie*
there’s rice on your face
*grabs wifes and opens it*
still there
*grabs one from next table*
I can do this all night
Alright. It’s Sunday. Another Breaking Bad. Or if you don’t watch the show, an hour of confusing tweets.
you don’t need to go to a workshop to build a bear, most of the time you don’t even need to build a bear.
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
… then, I hit the salesperson with “do you know who my father is?”, their attitude changed after that
Grapefruit – for when you want your food to taste like getting beaten up
“Dad, you called me my brother’s name.”
I’m sorry *30 second pause* little dude.
You know you’re married if you’ve ever taken a picture of an empty grocery store shelf just to prove you tried.
Me: I will not be tricked into buying stuff I don’t need.
Ad: Buy 4, get one free.
Me: I’ll take 10 then.
NEIGHBOR: Is that your dog running around your yard?
ME: No. That’s a fence.
A small tragedy.
wife: did you change the baby?
me: no and i never will because i love him for who he is.
Huge thanks to @funTweeters for publishing my tweet! This made my week 🙂
The worst thing about admitting you’re an alcoholic is that people will expect you to stop drinking.
I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.