Instead of cars warning us of stupid things, like the door is open, it should tell us useful things, like there’s a cop hiding in the bushes
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Why aren’t these people with Ebola doing the ice bucket challenge? Don’t they want to get better?
gonna wash my car with my girlfriends pomeranian to spice things up
I’ve never Met Gala but I heard she’s weird.
They sent a cardboard detective to investigate.
I’m exactly like Rocky in that, I challenge people to fight while I’m slurring my words.
Everyone’s family
It’s been a couple of weeks, and the new neighbours have not yet mentioned the inflatable dinosaur in my window.
Dogs lick each other’s butts to tell each other they like them. Just like politicians
UBER: Sounds better than “Let’s get in this strange man’s car!”
I think I can speak for everyone when I say that I am a ventriloquist.
Gotye is just somebody that we used to know.
I wish Teachers were treated like pro athletes. Million dollar contracts and tenure bonuses.
Pro model erasers and chalk. Showered with Gatorade when the whole class passes.
8-year-old: *shows me the sample of her school picture*
Me: Why do you look so angry?
8: I was getting my picture taken.
Me: I just need some alone time away from the kids
Wife: When?
Me: Between 2 and 5
Wife: Ok
Me: I’ll be back when they’re 6
how to have good hair:
– have bad hair
– walk around like you have that hair on purpose
Don’t you hate it when you accidentally say something dumb in a conversation and then hate yourself for the next 15 years
doctor: you have no heart
me: okay wow that’s rude
doctor: no you literally have no heart how are you even alive
demon living inside me: *to me* don’t
me: there’s a demon living inside me
demon: ugh
[psych ward]
me: this is nice they have jell-o
demon: ooo is it cherry
Apparently Pound Town is NOT a British dollar store
If I win the lottery I’m gonna run political style ads about my neighbor
JERRY THINKS IT’S OK TO PARK A CAR ON THE GRASS AND HE DRINKS CHEAP BEER FROM A SHOE
my favorite part about fruit is when I run it under water for 3 seconds to convince myself it’s no longer covered in carcinogenic pesticides
If you drive a Hummer, I will assume you are a douchebag. If aforementioned Hummer is bright yellow, I will crown you their king.
Me after 1 airport cocktail:
Whenever someone is about to tell me about their day, I just cover my ears and yell “SPOILER ALERT!”
“…any reason why these 2 should not be married, speak now or…”
They’re engagement photo only got 21 likes on Facebook!
*crowd GASPS*
*decides towels smell like mildew
*buys special laundry agent to remove odors
*washes load of towels
*forgets load in washer until morning
*repeat
Did you know that McDonald’s once sold a burger named after the Hamburglar? It was discontinued however because the meat was too robbery.
Something good is coming my way I can feel it. Nothing life changing, probably just a hotdog
God please let it be a hotdog
I forget, are you supposed to be happy when you see their exes are ugly, or worried that you might be ugly too?
Doctor: you need to include more fruits and vegetables in your diet
Me: I hear the words but they’re not making any sense
Aoccdrnig to Ylae rseaerch, it deosn’t mtater waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are in, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is how mcuh mnoey you hvae