I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
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good morning, this is your captain speaking. my parents made sure that from a young age i understood that there are things worse than death.
bored gunna start making up careers: milk sommelier, door to door toothbrush salesman, Sponge repairman, host of america’s funniest sex tapes, Secretary of toiletries, train model, chief executive dysfunction officer, president of a university, pig jockey, salt tester, underwater
Me: You can watch me shower, but if my husband catches you he’ll kill you
Spider:
A spider built a web across a rarely used toilet in my basement so occasionally I’ll flush it for him so maybe he thinks he over a series of picturesque mountain rapids
SUPER-VILLAIN: Join me! Together we would be unstoppable!
HERO: Ok
SUPER-VILLAIN: What’s that now?
HERO: I’m in
SUPER-VILLAIN: Oh. I wasn’t really prepared for you to accept.
HERO: My therapist said to try new things
SUPER-VILLAIN: This is awkward
HERO: I’ll get my stuff
Q-TIPS WARNING LABEL: do NOT put these in your ears you WILL go deaf and probably die
EVERYONE: ima pretty much exclusively use them in my ears
If you tell me having a dog is the same as having a kid then I’m going to assume you yell at your dog to keep his pants on at Wal-Mart.
Boss: What’s your five-year goal?
Me: Paid administrative leave.
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I didn’t freak out; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
Just remember someone actually thinks your ex is being sincere right now
Not me, making rice krispy treats at midnight because my teen forgot to tell me she needed them tomorrow.
GEICO: customer service, how can we help?
ME: I’ve been in a car accident
GEICO: ok are you in a safe location?
ME: *looking around bank vault I crashed into* how did you know?
Four dentists: Use this toothpaste that prevents cavities
Fifth dentist: You guys know how we make a living, right?
Thanks for the push notification, Siri – that’s exactly what I needed in that moment 🫠
kidnapper: [opens trunk] get up
me: ʲᵘˢᵗ ⁵ ᵐᵒʳᵉ ᵐᶦⁿᵘᵗᵉˢ
Ladies, the word for the day is “legs.” Spread the word.
What do you call the sexual orientation where you’re attracted to both and men and women but they’re not attracted to you?
Bi-yourself.
Chewbacca before you swallowbacca
My husband got a notification that “there’s a familiar face” at the door.
It was the Amazon delivery guy, y’all.
How many vintage novelty sweaters does a grown woman need? Apparently just one more
Stephen King ruined corn children for me
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
WAITER: is everything ok?
ME: could I get a spoon or something
I sexually identify as a cup of ramen noodles. I’m little, cheap, will leave you unsatisfied and i’m the last resort for many people.
*Queen bee in hive*
“You, go pollinate flowers”
“You, go make some honey”
“You, go buzz around some humans and ruin their picnic lol”
Can’t…too busy yelling at all the other drivers on the road. “Why do you have a license!!!!”
Hey starbucks I’m not using your made up language give me a medium beanwater
If Elsa could bring snow to life why didn’t she make herself some pets? I’d have like 50 snowcats by now.
Productive day sketching while waiting at the DMV.
REVOLUTION HAS BEGUN!!!
How did you spend your dinner break, Jamie? Just drawing a reverse centaur so everyone can see how horrible they are