Went to a Halloween party at the zoo, the animals were dressed as sexy people.
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[before sex]
ME: Did you notice I waxed?
WIFE: I wondered what happened to your eyebrows
My first words were, “spank me daddy” because my parents accidentally set up the baby monitors backwards.
If you die* in your dream, you die* in real life.
*pee
*The Proclaimers put on a Fitbit
Fitbit: Awww, Hell No!!!
It’s pretty impressive how chill toddlers are most of the time when you remember that they usually have 0 context for anything that is happening.
Today, a week after we moved to another state, my son looked around and then asked, “are we still on earth?”
[home alone]
murderer: [creeping up behind me]
me, loudly: i hope no one’s about to stab me cuz I’m thinking about making cookies later!
murderer: [pauses] what kind?
Was feeling really good about myself after an attractive man smiled at me on the elevator at work and told me I smelled great. Until I got to my desk and realized. Gentle reader, I had a sausage McMuff in my laptop bag.
WHAT DO WE WANT AMERICA?
ROCK HARD ABS!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM?
RIGHT AFTER WE FINISH THIS BOX OF DOUGHNUTS!!!
My first thought after seeing some recent footage of UFOs in our airspace was, “Guys, could you come back at a better time?”
When I was younger I also blamed Jewish people for all my problems and thought they were part of a conspiracy to control and ruin my life. Turns out they were just being good parents.
My kid asked me where babies came from and I was like “Dude, ask your Mom. I still can’t figure out why Garfield talks and Odie doesn’t.”
I’m still upset that my parents didn’t support my dream of becoming an assassin.
me: 11 can you come here
11: am i in trouble?
me: …no…but…should you be?
11: no.
me: sus.
I’m a confident person until I try to open a plastic produce bag. Then I look like a toddler trying to put a shirt on.
I’m a show off but not drive around with Christmas lights on my car show off
And that’s when I realized it was a cop car
Hello? I’d like to rent one bouncey house, please. How many will be using it? Just one. Her age? Uh. Four……..ty-seven.
When you set up a LAN for an 8 yr old kid’s birthday party at and then they ask you to play
I’m sorry…
…but Cujo did NOT go to heaven.
We should be broadcasting across the universe that beer is deadly to humans. Then when aliens show up with their beer cannons, we can party while we steal their cool spaceships.
[texting with new girlfriend]
Her: What are you doing tonight?
Me (walking through adult section at video store): I dunno, might rent Lady and the Tramp
Her: You’re adorable
Secret Panel HERE 🔪
“honey let me see” i exclaim at my weeping wife. i finally manaeg to get the pregnancey test off her.i look downe & see the reading. ‘wasps’
I miss getting my misinformation from less places
When someone brings biscuits into a meeting, the main focus of the entire meeting… is now biscuits
The creepiest thing about spiders is their sexual attraction to spiders.
Blind guy: I love this half-sandwich restaurant.
Me: What do you mean? This place only serves whole-
Service dog: *puts a paw on my lips*
“would you still love me if i was a worm?” yes. more, in fact.
psa: don’t ruin the thanksgiving meal by bringing up politics. ruin the meal by telling your family you don’t know half of them half as well as you should like and like less than half of them half as well as they deserve then vanishing while they try to figure out what you meant
Exorcist: I’m here to remove the demon that has possessed you
Me: I didn’t call you
Demon: I did
My new pajamas have no pockets. I don’t want to hear your problems.