I’m confident that I could drink sea water if I had to. Like if I needed to, my body would just handle it. I’m not saying scientists are wrong but they don’t know me.
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I feel like calling it a “nervous system” was just setting me up for failure.
describing a really tough guy to the police sketch artist bc im afraid to say a goose knocked me over and ran off with my car keys
My 7yo was asked what he loves most about his parents:
Mommy is cuddly, likes to dance, and makes yummy cookies.
Daddy is the only one in the family with hair on his face.
[1st day as judge]
Murderer: [waves at me]
Me [waves back]: He seems nice
Lawyer: He killed six people
Me: He probably didn’t mean it
“Your sense of entitlement is destroying our relationship”
*me to my dog while trying to eat without having to share.
trainer: Why are you here?
everyone else: To get fit!
me [with a mouthful of gummy bears] Mmfff
Shaking hands is so weird:
“Nice to meet you, have some germs and dead skin cells.”
My bank says my password isn’t strong enough. Did it ever stop and think that my password has a lot going on right now?
Me to 15: aw, you’re so handsome in your school pictures! Stop growing up so fast!
15: I just heard you and dad saying you can’t wait til I move out so my room can be a home gym.
Me: ……sooo handsome though..
Married foreplay is just five minutes of confusion about whether your spouse is using a suggestive euphemism or asking you to do a chore.
“and this blood shall be called A+”
all the other blood types: “k wow we’re like right here”
A Twitter love story, in 3 parts:
*at hostage negotiation class
Prof: Let’s go around and say why we’re here
Man: I joined the NYPD
Woman: I’m in the FBI
Me: I have a toddler
Bikini season is just around the corner, unfortunately so is Dairy Queen. 🙄
Her)What that mouth do?
Me)Usually get me in trouble
Me: *rips pants bending over*
Toddler: Daddy! You’re so strong! You ripped your clothes like Hulk!
Me: Uh. Yep. That’s me. Same thing. Just like the Hulk. Indistinguishable.
Toddler: *proudly tells everyone I’m like the Hulk because I rip my pants all the time*
Me: *dies*
Went to a parade.
For an hour, bored people on floats waved.
For an hour, My 2-year-old waved back.
It was the greatest day of her life.
“This is the funniest video on the internet right now”
Me: Sees Video
Me: Checks Internet
*throws smoke bomb, but when the smoke clears I’m just on the floor taking a nap*
PHILOSOPHY MAJOR: humanity is at risk
STEM MAJOR: because global warming is affecting sea levels
ENGLISH MAJOR: is it affecting or effecting
Dietician: “I can help you lose weight in 12 easy steps.”
Me: “Is there an elevator?”
If any Disney execs are reading this, call me. I’ve got an idea for another Star Wars spin off. It’s called Paul Darth, Maul Cop.
ME: I want the car’s brake lines to rust
SCIENTIST: I’m listening
ME: [slides over envelope full of cash] But make it look like an oxidant
*zoom meeting*
Boss: do you have anything to add, you’ve been very quiet during this discussion
Me: well sir, it’s because I haven’t been listening
“What if I took the dumbest person I know, got them severely drunk, and challenged them to finish my sentences?” — inventor of Autocorrect
Why do they call it the good book and not the almighty wrighty?
Lost my car keys so I’m forcing the guy at Home Depot to make me new ones based on what I remember about them.
*watches The Matrix and just gets increasingly annoyed at how unrealistic it is for Trinity and Neo to wear sunglasses inside*
It says here on your resume that you’re “good at traps,” could you expand on that while I investigate this pile of leaves on the floor?