[approaches outdoor cafe holding balloon w/face drawn on it]
Hello table for two ple- [large gust carries balloon away] OH NO MY WIFE
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Can anyone explain what’s happening in front of my house none of these belong to me
I ordered side dishes from Cracker Barrel to take to my mom’s for Thanksgiving and when I asked if they would be hot at pick-up the lady said, “Are you taking to someone’s house? Bc it’s going to say Cracker Barrel on the pan so bring dishes.”
Good God that’s customer service.
Before I had kids I wasn’t a morning person but after parenting for years I can finally look at the beautiful sunrise every day and say, I’m still not
Got sad news today. After 7 years of medical training, my good friend has been struck off after one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients & now can no longer work in the job he loves. What a waste of time, training & money. A genuinely nice guy, and a great vet.
It’s kill or be killed. Or eat a sandwich. Maybe go for a light jog. Draw a picture of a duck. There are a lot of options out there.
the first guy to ride a horse was all like GIDDYUP HORSEY and the horse was all like DAMMIT WHO TOLD HIM THAT MAKES US GO
Me: I really need to stop putting things off to the last minute
Bomb squad: actually, 5 seconds
Thinking about writing an online essay titled ‘Fog doesn’t have a specific smell’ to take down the scented candle industrial complex.
I swear I won’t be undressing you with my eyes again. That REALLY hurt!
Dear scientists,
We have enough milks stop milking things and cure cancer
I wish I was dinosaur. No school, no work, just ror ror.
The lady cutting my hair asked me to lift my head like I was taking a selfie. I don’t know what’s worse, her request or me knowing exactly what to do.
can I just say I hate that working out gives u energy and mental clarity like… why couldn’t it have been sleeping and laying down why does it have to be exercise it’s so rude
*cuts up plastic rings so no hypothetical animal will choke on them*
*will not hold the elevator for a single person, ever*
Find you a woman that spends her night using lunchable meat to try stealing stray cats from the local gas station
I hate all the “creepy clown” news. I’m having a clown solidarity march at dusk near an abandoned insane asylum. Need a calliope player.
Back in my day we had another word for selfie sticks, we called them friends.
Great minds think alike, but so do dipshits.
If this paper cut is any indication of my pain threshold, then child birth would definitely kill me.
Here, let me loosen those morals for you.
6 said he isn’t sleeping in his room cause the tooth fairy sounds creepy but he left the tooth cuz he needs the money.
-No DNA test needed
I was sitting in the public toilets when a guy in the cubicle next to me started smoking. Disgusting.
Nearly put me off my sandwich.
[i arrive in hell]
Satan: welcome
Me: thanks what’s with the fork lol
Satan: it’s a pitchfork shut up
Me: ooo i’m so scared what are u gonna do eat a big salad lmao
Satan:
Me:
Satan:
[i arrive in super hell]
dad: “what’s that nice french place we went to called again?”
me: “france?”
dad: “that’s the one”
Them: Can you help me?
Me: I don’t work here.
Them: Oh, sorry. *leaves*
My boss: You need to stop doing that.
My daughter asked me to play Highway to Hell by AC/DC because I was driving them to school. Parenting win I guess.
Me *sees boy at school* ugh that kid over there is so annoying
Teacher: I agree but you still need to take him home
“Mom, I’m an adult. There’s nothing left for you to show me.”
(*folds a fitted sheet*)
“TEACH ME YOUR SORCERY, LINEN WIZARD”
I removed my birthday from Facebook, and now I keep fooling people randomly by saying that it’s my birthday today.
rolls sleeve
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rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
-Octopus preparing for a fight