I’ll never get picked for jury duty because I’d be the one on trial…..
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[job interview]
“Tell me a weakness.”
I never finish what I start.
“Care to elaborate?”
*grabbing my stuff* Nah, I gotta get going.
I hope I never have to produce an alibi…cause eating salsa in bed with my cat every night would never hold up in court.
Them: you haven’t been to the gym in a while
Me: I had a cold
Them: it’s been 7 months
Me: I had a lot of colds
Tomorrow I think I’ll just walk around restaurants with a clipboard shaking my head & hope they bribe me with free food.
Are these fish:
A. A different species
B. The same species
C. These two fish aren’t even from the same ocean and aren’t closely related
At last…. a TV interview that tackles the real issues (Andrew Weldon)
Tired of true crime podcasts? Then check out my fake crime podcast. In the next episode I go into detail about how back in 1997, my grandma was mugged by a rhinoceros.
DORA: “What was YOUR favorite part?!”
ME:
DORA:
ME:
DORA: “I like that part too.”
*sitting in HR wearing devil horns*
HR: We need to talk about your attire.
Me: I was always told to dress for the job you want.
[middle of a heated argument]
Him: I’m leaving you
Her: fine with me, I’ll get the door for you *opens the oven*
Hi 911, I’d like to report a drunk naked guy blasting off truck nuts w/ a shotgun. Time of incident? [takes drink] In about 20 minutes lol
Those who do not learn from history are destined to repeat it.
But I guess the same can be said for math and geography courses.
me: it’s tough coming back into the office huh?
them: you don’t work here
me: i know it was really tough getting past security
“It’s ok. This is normal for her.”
– How my friends explain me to others.
“Do you want the latest dirt?”
-No, but I appreciate the sediment.
“Be strong” I whisper to my coffee.
*Takes out phone & plays Cindi Lauper’s True Colors as you reach for the last slice of pizza without asking*
A public stoning, but it’s just a group of people throwing donut holes at me
Life tip – buy a birthday card with your morning bottle of wine and people will think it’s a gift.
You are welcome.
Try to eat 70,000 small meals a day to keep your metabolism on its toes.
A brainwash actually sounds pretty nice right now.
“I’m not contagious anymore”
– Guy who’s about to make you sick
Boy, are you a salad?
Because I don’t want you.
In honor of the longest night of the year I will also be cold, distant &filled with darkness.
I was told that I could have anything as long as I applied myself, but the loan officer at my bank begs to differ.
has anyone maybe thought to check on the mom?
Me: So, you come here often?
Him: …..we’re in my house.
ibopfufen
amazing news for movie lovers. i have just RSVPed yes to a wedding where the only person i will know besides the bride and groom is my ex boyfriend
Yous guys keep her distracted. I do the rest. Got it?