Habitual Offender sounds more dignified than 3 time loser.
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I will raise my son to treat your daughters like spoiled princesses, but only if you don’t raise your daughters to think they are. Deal?
I lost my phone and it’s on silent. Man! I should’ve listened to Beyonce.
Me watching any college movie:
WHY AREN’T THESE KIDS STUDYING
I’m not proud of the person I become when there’s a cheese tray at a party.
When you’re on a date that’s not going well, just start talking about genital psoriasis.
You’re welcome.
BF: I’m hungry. Wanna go out to eat?
GF: I look like hell. We can’t go out to eat.
BF: You look good enough to go to Waffle House.
GF: [eyes narrow]
Him: How does my football throw look to you?
Me: Like you’re good at science…
You think it’s easy being a tall woman with a wide body this time of year? Do you know how many familys try to kidnap me and use me as a Christmas tree????!!!!
[Runs into old school friend]
Him: hey you’re that guy who held weird grudgesMe: And how is my eraser?
Chicago pizzerias be like hi would you like a slice of soup?
The best way to prevent COVID is the consumption of durian fruit. It doesn’t kill the virus but it is excellent for social distancing
My 3yo’s bedtime stories include: “Three-Hour Run-On Sentence,” followed by, “Ask For a Drink 500 Times,” and finally, “You Skipped a Page.”
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Not so fast. Let me introduce you to…THE GREAT SUMMER CHORE CHART OF 2017!
*3 kids faint, 1 runs away*
When the atm charges you 3.50 to take out your own money but tells you to cover your pin so you don’t get robbed
*snowing outside*
HIM: I should salt the front walk
ME, nodding: Ooh, to enhance the umami flavor
Me: Honey, where do we keep those legally binding documents our marriage is based on?
Her: You mean the mortgage papers?
Me: Yep those ones
My ex husbands Voicemail was a trick one where he’d say “Hello Hello, so you think he’d answered and that’s why he’s dead.
7yo: Why can’t I have coffee?
Me: It’ll make u even more energetic than u already are
7: But u drink it all the time& u never have energy!
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I’m the universal blood donor type but I never donate blood?
Wife: no, it’s because of your terrible grammatical errors in everything you write.
Me: [whispers] type-o.
It’s only fair that if the TSA should ban over 3oz of liquid carried on a person, they should also ban a person wearing over 3oz of cologne.
in other news: 8 hours from now, half the country will be screaming about tragedy and loss b/c some dudes didnt catch a ball enough times
The difference between your husband and your Netflix account is, over time, your Netflix account learns what you like.
I cleaned the cabinet windows and now you can see how untidy it is inside.
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
I wonder how many calories you burn locking yourself out and having to climb in through a second story window.??
4-year-old: Can you do what you want at work?
Me: No, I have to listen to my boss.
4: Mom is at your work?
Before Batgirl can become Batwoman she has to have a Batmitzvah.
I sure have purchased an inordinate amount of ringtones, for someone who keeps their phone on Silent.
10 y/o Edison: How many scientists does it take to change a light bulb?
His Dad: What’s a light bulb?
His Mom: IDFK. U tell me, Einstein.
“Wanna see videos from my vacation?”
*shows home video of me eating a raccoon under a bridge
“This is the wrong video”
“No this is right”