Leaving the Barbers like
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They want us to stay current with our training, yet the training videos show people using BlackBerries.
Wife: So you write tweets about us?
Me: Sometimes
Wife: Do you embellish them to make them interesting?
Dwayne Johnson: I bet he does
Me: Stay out of this, The Rock
I once had a broken tooth repaired in France. I still chew with a slight accent.
It’s easier for me to bite than my dogs, my neighbors finally get it
a bathrobe is being naked with plausible deniability and pockets.
ME: we need to take actionable steps to combat climate change
ME: *after two glasses of wine* i will do it. i will fight the freaking sun
I need to stop by the Walmart pharmacy to get some antidepressants because of how much I just spent at Walmart.
Going back to the 90’s.. You’ll want anything??
Pretty sure I know what my wife’s getting me for my birthday cause when I guessed, “A 3-way?” she got all angry like I ruined the surprise.
ME: [in santa costume, covered in chimney soot] that was hard. how does santa do it
WIFE: well santas not real, hun
ME: [drops cookie] WHAT
Cigarettes only give you cancer if you let them. It’s called science. Maybe you’d know more about it if you read as many Yahoo Answers as me
I want to run my fingers through your spaghetti.
Hair. I mean hair. Sorry, I’m starving.
Good night cop: Want the light on or off? Sweet dreams kiddo.
Bad night cop: You will go to sleep or I will put you to sleep.
Just saw a disheveled man in a bathrobe run out of an uber to an atm. Whose client is this?
[texting]
me: touching my duck n thinking of you
her: gross, go to hell
me: *patting my duck’s head* don’t worry quack sparrow, she didn’t mean it
There are two ice cream trucks on my street right now.
Okay, Feds.
*approaches woman in club*
Me: Would you like to dance?
Her: Sure.
Me: While you’re dancing can I sit in your chair? I’m really tired.
If by retirement plan you mean a swear jar, then yes I do have a retirement plan.
They call it a Caesar salad because it’s as bad for your health as receiving 23 separate stab wounds.
“Hi I’m Dave and I’m an alcoholic”
*uncomfortable murmur*
“I’ll be your captain today. Our flight time into Phoenix will be 3 hours and
When a new bird species visits your bird feeder
Why did they make Courtney Cox? Because Lisa Kudrow.
Never bring your fists to a knife fight. Never bring a knife to a gun fight. And whatever you do, stay far, far away from a fight between two geese.
if they ever legalise drugs, Nestle definitely need to make a KitKet
*son wants to go to water park*
*bring him to water park*
*starts raining*
*he starts crying..because he’s getting wet*this is why I drink
“Name?”
Well, some people call me the space cowboy, some people call me the gangster of love, some people call me Maur…
“Sir, have you ever been tazzed at the DMV before.”
HOSTAGE: [on the phone] hey dad if i never see you again tell neil he still owes me forty bucks i don’t care if you keep it but i want it collected
Not sure where I went wrong, he said he liked “it wild” so I crawled through his window dressed as Pennywise and dragged him into the woods but; maybe he’s not into redheads.
I’m playing hide and seek with my 6yo. I’m underneath a pile of laundry, and she just walked right by me. This is exhilarating. It feels like that scene in Jurassic Park when the kids are hiding from the raptors.