She once called me bae so I had to baeurry her in my backyard..
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ME: *giggles* I wouldn’t say I have a ‘type’…
DOCTOR: Sir, you’re losing a lot of blood and we need to make this transfusion
Ladies,
When someone asks why you’re single, tell them you’re overqualified.
I said hi to someone and a bug flew into my mouth. Lesson learned.
Weddings are dumb. Except yours. Yours was a great way to spend money.
– Will you donate your organs when you die?
– No, I will not do anything when I die. I will be dead.
Waiter: would you like a water?
Me: ew, gross.
Waiter: what if I add some frozen water to the glass?
Me: tempting.
Waiter: would a dirty lemon wedge seal the deal?
Me: [nods] indeed.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but those single unmatched socks that have been on top of your dryer for years have a better chance of finding a mate than you do.
Walking down the road last night, I passed an apple pie, an ice cream sundae, and a lemon cheesecake.
I thought: “the streets are strangely desserted tonight”.
John Lennon: Here I stand head in hand, Turn my face to the wall—
Me: um, it’s fine if you just count to 20 while we hide
I think that as a reward for losing 200 lbs you should be able to use all of that loose skin to become a human version of a flying squirrel.
[gun goes off]
[every runner pretends to be wounded, then laughs and starts the race]
ANNOUNCER: and the annual Dad 5k is underway
How is the witch who imprisoned children that were eating her house the bad guy of the story?
vegan witches, happy halloween!
Is it physically possible to be sad in rollerskates? Cause I think my cat’s just being dramatic.
You sound unhinged. Let’s go get mugshots.
Customer service stopped recording my calls for training purposes. There’s nothing to be learned from that much profanity.
I told my wife I wanted a ferret, and the very idea made her so mad that for a second I thought I had mistakenly brought home a ferret.
This green smoothie tastes like God wants me to be fat.
Ovenable?
You don’t know fear until you hear your 8yo using the blender by himself downstairs
Inventor of beer: This will change the world.
Inventor of beer, after having kids: [invents vodka]
I think this is my favorite scene in a movie
Every day I’m hoping is the day we find out why Beth from FB had enough but didn’t want to talk about it.
I’m fresh out of hopes and dreams. Can I interest you in despair and disappointments?
In every scary movie an entity is always coming through a “doorway”.
I’m just sitting here waiting for a dope demon to come through a 90’s bead curtain.
When you die your voice gets added to the Big Bang Theory laugh track.
mom: Do you need us to bring anything tomorrow?
me: Pumpkin pie
mom: Anything else?
me: Turkey
mom
me: Stuffing
mom
me: Plates
The 70’s called. They built a time phone.
Yes, curling is silly and basically janitorial work, but that guy’s gonna have a gold medal, and all you’ll have is your joke about curling.