Barbecues are just a theatrical way of letting your neighbours know you’re going to be eating 2 hours later than planned
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Me (a masseur): *applying oil*
Client: Aren’t you supposed to put that on me?
If you’re worried about the birth rate then venmo me $400,000 and I will have a child
Child: Do you have any cool side effects from your vaccine shot?
Me: No super powers, but I do look more handsome today.
Child: So, it’s affected your vision?
Me: I wish u’d bring back my 1st pet
Genie: No blood magic
Me: I wish politicians had to tell the truth
Genie: [sigh] what was ur pets name?
My friends are weird. They keep vegetables in their beer crisper. Freaks
Me: I’m really worried about becoming a first time dad, I’m just so forgetful.
10yo daughter: You don’t need to tell me.
the nice thing about my ADHD is that if my apartment is haunted I will literally never notice it
“silly me, always leaving these cupboards and drawers open and the sink running at full blast,” I say, as a frustrated ghost screams into a pillow in the corner
Humans will not be fully evolved until everyone achieves the ability to maintain a constant speed while driving.
Computer: choose a password
Me: mysocks
Computer: confirm password
Me: mysocks
Computer: passwords do not match
Perverts have made it so you can’t even park your makeshift surveillance van conspicuously outside girls’ college diving team meets anymore.
If someone catches you doing something inappropriate don’t stop, just do it slowly while keeping eye contact.
“Son, would you like to go to college some day, or would you like to keep ordering guac? Your choice.”
Me: You should know I’m alliterate
Her: You mean illiterate?
Me: No, not necessessfully
Listening in on 14yos on the train after school and one of them just said: “bro you didn’t even try fresh basil until you were like 12, you have no credibility in this conversation” and the rest of them started roaring laughing
I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
The wife and I just got divorced.
We split the house………I got the outside.
Don’t blame me for the world’s problems, I was practically raised by the Muppets as a kid.
My kids are really competing for least favorite today.
[on a first date]
Her: Tell me about- [paper wrapper from straw hits her face]
Me: *sets straw down* Sorry
Government Shutdown: Day 4
3am: Monkey House, National Zoo
A door crashes open.
A triumphant screech.Ben Stiller escapes into the night.
To the person that stole my glasses.
I will find you, I have contacts.
No you shut up 😂🥳
So much has changed in such a short period of time. But whoa is still spelled whoa.
I’m not super useful until I’ve had coffee, then I get jittery followed by a caffeine crash. At 11 I’m too hungry to think then I get post-lunch sleepies. By afternoon my brain is fried but for 25 minutes each day – I’m the best employee here and they’re lucky to have me.
ME: my apologies sir I totally thought you were someone else
HIM: *pulls plunger off his face* well don’t let it happen again
I am not an accident waiting to happen.
I am an accident.
Happening.
KID IN PARK [crying] I think my mum might of left me here
ME: Oh no!
WIFE: Talk to him
ME: Hey, listen kid *kneels down* it’s might HAVE
Want to know the real reason behind the egg shortage?
Henopause
Annnd, send tweet.
The last time I did my happy dance I got pepper-sprayed.
My son said he doesn’t plan on returning home from college until Thanksgiving so we’re turning his bedroom into a Spirit Halloween.
Date: Don’t tell anyone we met online. It’s embarrassing.
[Later]
Friend: Where’d you guys meet?
Me: Family reunion