How come we never describe an arsonist as someone who lit up a room?
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My dog barked at the thunder & as a joke I barked a gentle “woof” back & he looked startled. Now I’m worried about what I said to him.
Toddlers are fun because every so often they‘ll agree with almost anything you say.
Me: we’re going out tonight okay?
Toddler: yeah.
Me: we’re gonna get into some trouble.
Toddler: yeah.
Me: start a revolution.
Toddler: yeah!
Me: Then we’ll go to bed.
Toddler: no.
The most frustrating thing I’ve ever tried to do was throw away a trash can.
Me, a good parent: Oliver we talked about this [wrestling coat onto a walrus] u can still catch a cold despite your thick layer of blubber
Me: Can I take a peak?
Park ranger: You mean “peek,” right?
Me: *steals the top of a mountain*
my landlord still demanding physical checks like can you not exploit me here in the digital age…
#TheResistance is everywhere! #ScienceMarch #EarthDay
As highly as it’s esteemed, the Mayo Clinic still sounds like the place sick sandwiches go to get better.
Like anyone has time to sit there and read 12,412 product reviews on Amazon.
[8 hours later]
Yeah, I’m def not buying this pillow.
Marriage vows in the future will include things like “During pandemics, I promise not to judge how many glasses of wine you drink.”
a fairly underrated BARBIE joke is when someone calls her a fascist, and when she’s crying about it she says, “I don’t control the railways!”
movies are BACK
I saw that post about caramelizing onions taking 90 minutes and i just want to know why that person found every onion in the tri-county area and put it in a small cast iron pan
It’s like yeah, guy, if you put eighty onions in a thimble, it’s gonna take a fortnight to caramelize
ME: (right before I go under anesthesia)
SURGEON: How much you want to bet this guy is full of candy?
Ladies,
When someone asks why you’re single, tell them you’re overqualified.
It’s no coincidence that Monday and Murder both start with M.
Not to brag but I’m an expert at using laundry to accessorize the living room
the only difference between a hoarder and a collector is the smell
Waiter: Do you guys need any sauce?
Her: Yes, please. Bbq.
Me: I’ll take apple.
[trying to climb out of beanbag chair] Divorce?
I’m sorry…what?
angel: whatcha making?
god: *buffing a shark* dolphin
My middle school bus driver gave me a ziplock of venison and my mom cooked it and didn’t ask any questions. I think about it a lot.
My kids think I’m going to miss them when they leave for college, but I’ll be busy drinking my coffee while it’s still hot.
Judging by the way my kids raced to see who could chug their chocolate milk the fastest at the dinner table, I’d have to say they are never, ever going to be allowed at a keg party.
when your spouse is out with friends and won’t answer your texts
A new toilet paper called ‘Up Your Alley!’
Marketing exec: how do you keep getting in here
Nights in white satin, but it’s me falling off the bed again
How to Get a Girlfriend: Out at Sea
Me: *rocks boat*
Her: Hey!
Me: *rocks faster*
Her: Can we PLEASE go steady?
Me: I do.
When you offer me cookies, act surprised when I take one. Declare loudly you’ve never seen me eat dessert before.
15000 CCTVs 2b installed in Delhi 4r Obama’s visit.
This is ridiculous. Just because he’s black doesnt mean he’ll steal anything. Racists!